Wordy Wednesday- Weariness

"Come to me, all you who are weary burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11:28-29 (NIV)

I struggle with the words to accurately describe how inviting that verse is to me right now. What would it mean to lay everything before God and rest in Him? I'm reminded of my best guy friend my senior year in high school. We were so incredibly close. We would spend hours together curled up on the couch together, just watching TV or a movie. There was nothing sexual about it at all. We weren't interested in dating. We just were friends. But I remember very distinctly the comfort of laying in his arms with my head against his chest and my arms around his waist. I used to get so mad at him for always falling asleep in the middle of the movie, but he would tell me that it was just because he was so comfortable. I get that level of comfort. It makes sense to me. It was very different than being with Jesse. With Jesse, I craved his physical affection. I didn't want to sleep in his arms. I wanted to revel in every moment awake with him. I wanted to hold his hands, soaking in every tender touch, and I wanted to kiss him and listen to his heart beat in his chest, and I wanted to talk for hours about everything under the sun. I say that, so that you understand how innocent this friendship was. It wasn't the excitement of being with your love. It was the comfort of being in a safe place with your friend. That stands out in my mind because of how it made ME feel, but I suppose a more relate-able example would be the way your child falls asleep in your arms. The way you, as their momma, are their safe place. As I type this, Josiah is sitting next to me with his arm wrapped around mine. He lays his head against my upper arm and squeezes me tight saying, "Momma!" with excitement and adoration. He knows that he can always come to me for a hug or a kiss or to snuggle in my lap. And, my lap is one of the few places where he'll calm down enough to fall asleep, outside of his bed. In fact, when Josiah sleeps in bed with us, he has to hold onto my arm or be touching ME in some way (Daddy just isn't the same) and I see every muscle in his body relax and hear his breathing slow. He rests in that place. Whatever caused him anxiety or tears in his room, whether it was a bad dream or loneliness or the dark, no longer matters when he's in my arms. 

That's how I imagine this verse to be- to come to Jesus and let go of all of your problems of the world weighing on your shoulders and to feel so at peace in His arms that you could fall asleep. And that doesn't even begin to convey the extent of what I know this verse means and the comfort that God gives us. Oh, how I crave that peace! 

I'm finding myself completely overwhelmed by the STUFF if my life. Stuff that hurts my feelings and stuff that stresses me out. Stuff that exhausts me and stuff that isn't so bad but just happens to be piled onto other stuff and makes me feel like I'm being smothered. My life isn't terrible. I've had great days and great people in my life. So, anything that I list as a negative doesn't fully describe my entire life and day-to-day being. And sometimes it's hard to safely complain or even say something that's less than sunshine and butterflies without being judged as an uncaring parent/spouse or as ungrateful for the things God has blessed you with. But, life isn't perfect and this year is kicking my butt so far with the bad outweighing the good.  I called my mom in tears today and poured out all of the hurt that I had built up inside. Of course, she can't fix it for me, as much as she wants to and as much as I WANT her to. She can only point me back to God and offer sympathy and love. That was better than nothing, though, and I NEEDED it. 

I'm trying to keep perspective. I'm not dealing with the death of my husband or my son. I'm not even dealing with a serious illness (nothing more than a few snotty noses and occasional coughs). Money is tight but our bills are paid. We still have our jobs, which many people don't. My belly is full. My house is warm. And we have a car with a full tank of gas. Perspective makes my problems seem a little bit smaller.

My mom also reminded me to keep persevering. I told her, "Of course I am. The alternative is to quit. What am I going to do? Stop caring for my kids? Leave Jesse? Quit living? Those aren't options." She replied, "I know someone who just did that. She left her family in another state and just moved back home." Through my tears I said, "Well, I'm not looking at leaving. I just wouldn't mind a night off once in awhile!" Some people can't handle the pressures of life and don't have anything to gain strength from.

Today, through an amazing article I read and through affirming conversations with friends and family, I've found comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and that it's ok to feel frustrated or hurt or overwhelmed. My problems still exist for the moment... and when these pass, I'm sure they'll be replaced by new ones. I haven't had a chance to retreat to another room or place and surrender my burden to God without distraction, but several times today for a few moments each, I've tried to just take a deep breath and breathe out a prayer to God, even if it's just His name or plea for help. And I at least feel a little better than I did this morning. Most importantly, I am thankful to serve a God who not only cares for me, but is willing to take my burdens upon Himself and exchange my burden for His light load. I find comfort in knowing that that place even exists. I have the opportunity to take those feelings to God and let go of them. I can let go of the weariness and find rest for my soul. I'm still tired, but a little less weary. I want to rest in His arms and forget about everything else, not because it no longer exists, but because He's big enough to carry it for me. And I hope that if you're feeling weary right now, you find comfort in knowing you're not alone. But, more importantly, I hope you know that God offers relief for that weariness. And, if you need a safe place, maybe we can seek that comfort in God together.