Thoughts at 34 Weeks

This week has been a difficult one (in everything un-baby related), but I feel like things are starting to get back on track. Our marriage has been tested time and time again this week. Jesse and I are good at resolving our conflicts quickly and lovingly, but when it's one conflict after another, it really wears on you. I felt like we spent the whole week bickering at each other. Throw in some extra sensitive hormones and some insensitive comments and you've got conflict. I think there's just a lot going on, in general, with both of us. I think that I'm dealing with a lot of hormones that make me cry about everything. I think that I'm really stressing about what to do with my job. I think that trying to get everything done around the house to plan for the baby feels overwhelming. I think that being physically unable to accomplish what I want to do makes everything feel more overwhelming. I think that the heat makes it worse. I think that your house shouldn't be 86 degrees inside at 10:00pm. I think that Jesse is also stressing out about how to make ends meet once I have the baby. I think he wants to support me in staying home, but he fears that it won't be enough. I think he wants me to go back to work, but is worried how I'll handle it emotionally. I think that Jesse is also dealing with his best friend (my brother) moving away in just over a month. I think he's always been an extremely social person who values friendships above anything else, and he feels like he's losing all of his friends (most have either married and left or are single and do their own thing). I think that having all single friends to socialize with makes things hard on our marriage because they all schedule things at their time, ignoring the fact that Jesse has a wife and (soon-to-be) baby to take care of. I think that Jesse is afraid that these aspects of his life will completely disconnect him from his friends. I think that Jesse has a lot of addictions in his life, including previous problems with partying and a strong addiction to tobacco. I think he's really trying to quit because he knows it's ultimately better for him and his family, but I think many aspects of the environment around him present those addictions to him constantly. I think that sometimes he has the best of intentions, but makes a bad decision and it ends up affecting both of us negatively. And, I think it's hard to deal with the consequences which impact me when it wasn't my decision that caused them. I think that I try to be a really supportive and loving wife, but don't always know how to balance that with my own emotional hurt or disappointment, especially when I want the best for Jesse and know that he's missing out on that. I think that all of this has come out in the past week, over and over again, which has put up walls between us. And I think that even though there is no present conflict between us, the impact of going through all of this all week has made me feel more distant from him. And, I think that I never want to experience that distance from my husband. I hate feeling like we're supposed to be one and we're split in half. It feels like I literally have part of me missing. I think that just thinking about all of this has me in tears again, but I think that things really are starting to settle into place again. I think that marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can receive from God. I think it's designed to reflect God's love and relationship with the body of Christ. Therefore, I think that it's one of the institutions most attacked by Satan. And, I think that when this reflection of God isn't mirroring His image, it feels like the most un-natural and difficult thing to deal with. But, I think we're getting back on track. And I think- no I KNOW without a doubt- that I love my husband with everything in me, and it's worth it to endure whatever comes along because I know that God put him into my life.

Now, I'm done thinking...

Aside from all of that, other new happenings (or one new happening) this week is that I had my 34 week appointment yesterday. Lately, I've been showing up early to my appointments, and it helps me to get in REALLY quickly. Instead of showing up on time and waiting for half an hour before even being seen, I have been showing up 15-30 minutes early and leaving before my appointment was even scheduled to start. So, this time, they called me back right away, which was VERY MUCH to my relief since I had to go to the bathroom VERY badly. They weighed me and I had gained 2 lbs since last time, putting me at a total of 14 lbs. Then I did my urine test, which has been great every time.

The nurse then asked me if I'd decided on a pediatrician. I've made all other arrangements right away, but I've been really stuck on choosing this doctor. Word of mouth is supposed to be the best way to make this choice, but every single person I asked had a different doctor and different opinions. Furthermore, many of my friends' doctors practiced far (meaning about 30 minutes) from my house, and I wanted someone closer. So, I hadn't decided yet, but she encouraged me to decide by 36 weeks so that they can put it on my medical records (which I'll then begin to carry around with me at all times). By the way, since leaving my appointment, I was able to get some more information about one doctor which happened to confirm a recommendation someone else had given too. He's less than 10 minutes from my house. And along with having a few people say he's really great, I also found out that he's got 4 sons of his own, so he's really good with boys. I found out that they're good about getting back to their patients and being available for them. And I found out that their after-hours clinic is reasonably close too. So, I'm fairly sure that I'll choose this pediatrician.

Anyway, when Dr. York came in, she immediately asked how the antacid was helping with my morning routine of throwing up. I reported that I was still getting sick everyday, but hadn't been experiencing any blood, which is good. She said that even though it was a good report, she still wanted me to have my blood drawn when I left so that we could make sure I'm not losing blood internally. If something was wrong, they'd call me, but otherwise, no news is good news.

From there, I told her that while it was debatable if it's really hereditary or not, I heard you should inform your doctor if quick labor and deliveries from in your family. So, I explained that when I was born, my mom began feeling contractions and then stayed home and labored through them for about 5 more hours. When she went to the hospital, they broke her water, and from there, I was born about 3 hours later in a matter of only 3-4 pushes. My mom actually said afterwards, "That was easy. I could do it again." The nursing staff was shocked. They'd never heard anyone say that! When my brother was born 14 months later, my mom's water broke at home. From start to finish (water-breaking to birth), was only 3 hours. My mom thought it was only about 1 push to get him out, as she was trying to wait as long as possible for my dad to finish all of the admitting paperwork. The doctor barely caught my brother. Dr. York said we should cross our fingers and hope the same for me. And, she did ask if I was built like my mom (which I totally am) and I think that is more of an indicator that it could be similar.

I also asked her if/when we'd be able know how big Josiah is now or predict how big he will be at birth. I didn't figure I'd have anymore ultrasounds before he's born and I didn't know how accurately they could tell otherwise. She said that ultrasounds have up to a 20% error rate the further along you get. So, they could tell you that you're having an 8 lb baby and he turns out to be 10 lbs or 6 lbs. She said they could clinically estimate and have a much closer guess. She seemed to think I wasn't QUITE far enough along to have too much of an answer, but after feeling around, she said it seems like Josiah is perfectly average. At this point, she added that he's probably about 4 lbs, and if he stays at the same growth pattern, she'd expect him to be 7-8 lbs at birth. This would be good news since I was only 6 lbs, 8 oz when I was born, but Jesse was over 9 lbs. He can be big like daddy when he's older, but I'd like to birth a small baby... please.

This week, I also measured 34 cm- spot on with the number of weeks I am. I was kinda surprised, but perhaps Josiah slowed down a little bit this week. I don't know. No big deal. And, his heartrate is still in the 140's which is great- right where it's been the entire time.

At my next appointment, I have my group B strep test and a vaginal exam to see if I'm dilated or effaced at all. Then it's only a matter of time!

I actually read this week that at 37 weeks, I'm considered full-term. I could have my baby and expect that he probably wouldn't need to be in the NICU at all. Even though I had already understood that many babies are born 2-3 weeks early and are fine, this was the first time I realized that I'm only 3 weeks away from that point! Suddenly, it wasn't a matter of having 5-6 weeks until I meet Josiah, but a quick realization that I could meet him in merely 3 weeks and take him home with me the very next day.

And, in the baby's development this week, I read that he can now distinguish between certain pieces of music and melodies. Therefore, if I play a song repeatedly during this time in my pregnancy, it will most likely be a song that he will enjoy once he's born, and even be soothed by. I've considered possibilities of different songs I could play or sing and haven't come up with one that's really meaningful yet. However, music is my mom's expertise as she's a beautiful singer on the praise team at church. So, I told her to think of a song she'd like to sing to him. She doesn't know this part yet, but I would like to video tape her singing it to my belly. (She does read this blog, by the way, so now she knows! Hi Mom!!!) And, I have a teddy bear that she gave me when I found out I was pregnant, which has her voice recorded on it. When she decides on a song, I can have her record the song on the bear too. I think it would just be really neat. Let's see if she's brave enough to do it.

This week I also found out that NeNe is now pregnant. I was overjoyed for her. Then I realized that when I began this blog, I became connected with about 30 people who were going through infertility, like myself. Only 1 or 2 were already pregnant after going through infertility when I met them here. Now, 10 months after I began this blog, 20 out of those 29 people are celebrating their answers to prayers with a total of 24 children! Fifteen of those people have had God answer their prayers through the miracle of pregnancy and 6 have experienced it through the blessing of adoption. One of those even began adopting a baby and then got pregnant and is now expecting 2 babies within months of each other! This isn't to neglect the heartache that the other 9 people are still going through. My heart still goes out to them constantly, and I have two more friends, outside of the blogging realm, who I'm praying receive their miracles very soon. I realize my blog isn't super infertile-friendly anymore, but it's not because I've lost connection with those who are still going through it. It's because I don't want to live as a victim of it anymore. I don't want to spend my pregnancy in fear that I'll lose my baby. I want to celebrate every aspect of this precious child God has given me. And I want others to have hope in knowing that God answers prayers. Those 9 (or 11 all together) people aren't the ones that God has ignored. They aren't less worthy of experiencing an answer to their prayers. They aren't more hopeless causes. They are just the ones whose testimonies are still being written. They are the ones who stir up excitement in me because I want to see what God's got up His sleeves. And, I feel very confident that many of these will be moving up to the other list soon, as this list grows smaller and smaller. And, how exciting it will be to see the "currently childless" list dwindle to nothing as God moves mightily in all of our lives!

I have one more topic I want to write about, but I'll wait a bit since this blog has become quite long. Be back soon... :-)