Wordy Wednesday- Weariness

"Come to me, all you who are weary burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11:28-29 (NIV)

I struggle with the words to accurately describe how inviting that verse is to me right now. What would it mean to lay everything before God and rest in Him? I'm reminded of my best guy friend my senior year in high school. We were so incredibly close. We would spend hours together curled up on the couch together, just watching TV or a movie. There was nothing sexual about it at all. We weren't interested in dating. We just were friends. But I remember very distinctly the comfort of laying in his arms with my head against his chest and my arms around his waist. I used to get so mad at him for always falling asleep in the middle of the movie, but he would tell me that it was just because he was so comfortable. I get that level of comfort. It makes sense to me. It was very different than being with Jesse. With Jesse, I craved his physical affection. I didn't want to sleep in his arms. I wanted to revel in every moment awake with him. I wanted to hold his hands, soaking in every tender touch, and I wanted to kiss him and listen to his heart beat in his chest, and I wanted to talk for hours about everything under the sun. I say that, so that you understand how innocent this friendship was. It wasn't the excitement of being with your love. It was the comfort of being in a safe place with your friend. That stands out in my mind because of how it made ME feel, but I suppose a more relate-able example would be the way your child falls asleep in your arms. The way you, as their momma, are their safe place. As I type this, Josiah is sitting next to me with his arm wrapped around mine. He lays his head against my upper arm and squeezes me tight saying, "Momma!" with excitement and adoration. He knows that he can always come to me for a hug or a kiss or to snuggle in my lap. And, my lap is one of the few places where he'll calm down enough to fall asleep, outside of his bed. In fact, when Josiah sleeps in bed with us, he has to hold onto my arm or be touching ME in some way (Daddy just isn't the same) and I see every muscle in his body relax and hear his breathing slow. He rests in that place. Whatever caused him anxiety or tears in his room, whether it was a bad dream or loneliness or the dark, no longer matters when he's in my arms. 

That's how I imagine this verse to be- to come to Jesus and let go of all of your problems of the world weighing on your shoulders and to feel so at peace in His arms that you could fall asleep. And that doesn't even begin to convey the extent of what I know this verse means and the comfort that God gives us. Oh, how I crave that peace! 

I'm finding myself completely overwhelmed by the STUFF if my life. Stuff that hurts my feelings and stuff that stresses me out. Stuff that exhausts me and stuff that isn't so bad but just happens to be piled onto other stuff and makes me feel like I'm being smothered. My life isn't terrible. I've had great days and great people in my life. So, anything that I list as a negative doesn't fully describe my entire life and day-to-day being. And sometimes it's hard to safely complain or even say something that's less than sunshine and butterflies without being judged as an uncaring parent/spouse or as ungrateful for the things God has blessed you with. But, life isn't perfect and this year is kicking my butt so far with the bad outweighing the good.  I called my mom in tears today and poured out all of the hurt that I had built up inside. Of course, she can't fix it for me, as much as she wants to and as much as I WANT her to. She can only point me back to God and offer sympathy and love. That was better than nothing, though, and I NEEDED it. 

I'm trying to keep perspective. I'm not dealing with the death of my husband or my son. I'm not even dealing with a serious illness (nothing more than a few snotty noses and occasional coughs). Money is tight but our bills are paid. We still have our jobs, which many people don't. My belly is full. My house is warm. And we have a car with a full tank of gas. Perspective makes my problems seem a little bit smaller.

My mom also reminded me to keep persevering. I told her, "Of course I am. The alternative is to quit. What am I going to do? Stop caring for my kids? Leave Jesse? Quit living? Those aren't options." She replied, "I know someone who just did that. She left her family in another state and just moved back home." Through my tears I said, "Well, I'm not looking at leaving. I just wouldn't mind a night off once in awhile!" Some people can't handle the pressures of life and don't have anything to gain strength from.

Today, through an amazing article I read and through affirming conversations with friends and family, I've found comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and that it's ok to feel frustrated or hurt or overwhelmed. My problems still exist for the moment... and when these pass, I'm sure they'll be replaced by new ones. I haven't had a chance to retreat to another room or place and surrender my burden to God without distraction, but several times today for a few moments each, I've tried to just take a deep breath and breathe out a prayer to God, even if it's just His name or plea for help. And I at least feel a little better than I did this morning. Most importantly, I am thankful to serve a God who not only cares for me, but is willing to take my burdens upon Himself and exchange my burden for His light load. I find comfort in knowing that that place even exists. I have the opportunity to take those feelings to God and let go of them. I can let go of the weariness and find rest for my soul. I'm still tired, but a little less weary. I want to rest in His arms and forget about everything else, not because it no longer exists, but because He's big enough to carry it for me. And I hope that if you're feeling weary right now, you find comfort in knowing you're not alone. But, more importantly, I hope you know that God offers relief for that weariness. And, if you need a safe place, maybe we can seek that comfort in God together.

Wordy Wednesday & Thirsty Thursday- An Introduction

Why do I even assign things to days of the week when I'm rarely successful at posting it on time? You know why? Just because the names are catchy! That's why!!! I roll my eyes at myself... and then I write this on Saturday and publish it anyways. LOL :-)

Forget "Wordless Wednesday"! I've got too much to say!!! So, I want to use Wednesdays to share whatever is going on in my life or whatever I have on my mind. On Thursdays, I want the posts to have a spiritual emphasis. This means, sharing something I'm studying in my devotional (I'm reading "Jesus Calling") or something I heard in church or something that God is teaching me in the midst of my everyday circumstances. 

Since I'm behind on posting these days, I want to combine them to share about something that's going on and how we're seeking God in the midst of it. So, my post today is regarding a problem with Jesse going to school. 

The past week has gone better than "expected" as far as the stress level and how we're each coping with the physical and mental demands we have on us. He's been gone 15 hours a day, but I've been trying to make sure that he comes home to a clean and happy house. He's been trying to make sure that he comes home with a helpful and supportive attitude and make time for me and the kids. Overall, I think things have been better than they were before.

But to back up a bit, in the previous years that Jesse has attended school, he hasn't always been consistent with his classes. He's dropped classes mid-term and given up on school only to decide to go back later. A lot of this was in the midst of having Josiah, as well as struggling financially to pay our mortgage and beginning the short sale process. It was just too hard to focus and be successful in school when every other part of his life seemed so chaotic. So, when Jesse began the fall term of school this year, he was on financial aid suspension for dropping too many classes. In order to appeal this and be approved for financial aid, he submitted a letter detailing his reasons for dropping the classes before and his plan to do better now and was instructed to take a "getting back on track" course. He took the class fall term, received his financial aid, and ended the term with 2 A's and a B, all in the midst working full time and balancing a family with a very pregnant wife and subsequent newborn baby. Class ended in December and we were very proud of the work Jesse had done and his good grades. But then, just as we were about to go shopping, days before Christmas, we checked our mail and found a letter saying that Jesse was again put on financial aid suspension. We didn't understand what he had possibly done wrong and were certain that it must've been an error. But at this point, no one was on campus in the offices due to the holiday break. So we would have to wait until December 28th to even be able to talk to anyone about it.

That evening when we got home, Jesse pulled up his online school account and discovered the problem. The policy of the school is that you must pass 67% of your classes with a 2.0 or higher. His GPA was a 3.6 or something like that, and he had passed all of the classes this term, but when he looked at the classes for all of the years he had been enrolled in college, he found that he had attempted a certain number and passed a certain number, leaving him with a 65% pass rate. Only 2% shy. And because it was based on all of the classes he had ever taken, it really didn't matter what he did that term because no matter how good of grades he received, he wasn't taking enough classes to get him up to the 67%. We figured out that he only needed one more 2 credit class to have met the 67% rate, but no one ever told him this and now it was too late. We knew that it was possible to appeal the suspension again, just as we had last term, and Jesse even found online a place where it said that he would likely be approved due to the circumstances- having passed all of the classes he had taken that term despite not meeting the 67%. So, Jesse submitted his appeal immediately and we just had to wait for staff to be back at work after the holidays. 

On January 9th, Monday of this week, Jesse's appeal had not yet been approved, but he felt confident that everything would go through and he needed to begin his classes despite not having heard back yet. So he bought his books and adjusted his schedule and started classes and homework. This was a new challenge for us, as I mentioned in previous posts, because of him working about 34 hours a week (only less than 40 because of the time he was missing work to attend class in the middle of the morning), attending class in the evenings, and trying to balance homework and family time. But he's been working very hard, as have I, and we've been successfully surviving this past week. Yet, as of Thursday, Jesse had still not yet had his appeal approved. So, he went to the financial aid office and was told that if he hadn't heard back yet, he probably was not going to be approved. The word "probably" made the whole situation really confusing and disappointing. Being denied seemed so unfair after everything Jesse had done, and yet there was still a possibility that he may not be denied...? And the timing of it added to the frustration. This was Thursday, and Jesse needed to drop his classes by Sunday if he wasn't going to receive financial aid, or we would have to pay the $1300 for the term out of pocket. And we were told that since appeals wouldn't be processed on Saturday or Sunday, then if he hadn't heard by Friday, he definitely wasn't getting accepted.

When Friday afternoon rolled around and Jesse still hadn't heard, he called the school and was told that appeals had already been processed. So even though he hadn't officially been told that he had been denied, it was implied so. This left us with the decision to pay out of pocket or drop out of school completely. We spent a lot of time praying about it and asking God for direction, and in the end, we felt like dropping the classes was the better of the two options. We weren't sure that we'd be able to pay for the term anyway, and since Jesse wasn't totally sure what career he was going for, it seemed unnecessary to fight so hard to stay. Either way, though, it meant NOT receiving the refund check we were expecting- a refund that exceeds our normal month's income and that we needed to replace Jesse's car that broke down as well as pay for a new washer and dryer that we badly need. And, without the check, our finances are pretty tight this month, leaving $7 remaining after paying all of our bills and buying minimal groceries and gas.

We're believing that God is in control, though, and telling Him that we trust Him even when there's a lot of fear. And in the midst of it, He's giving us peace and strengthening our relationship with each other. As I mentioned at the beginning, I am reading the devotional "Jesus Calling". I'll leave you with the daily reading for January 4th, something I've been reminded of daily since then and something I'm working on applying to each situation we face:

I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you. If there is time, think about who I AM in all My Power and Glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of My Love for you.

This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective- through the Light of My universal Presence- fear loses its grips on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me.