Leaps of Faith

On Friday I had my 37 week appointment. I didn't gain any weight in the previous week. I hadn't gained any weight the week before, and I only gained one pound the week before that. So, surprised, I said to the nurse, "I thought this is when you are supposed to gain the most amount of weight!?" She just responded saying, "Not necessarily. It all depends on how much water you retain. Apparently you aren't retaining much water." I told her that I was okay with that.

I then did my typical pee test. Everything still looks good, as does my blood pressure and the baby's heartrate. And, I measured right on at 37 cm. They gave me a copy of my medical records to carry around with me all of the time so that I have them regardless of when I go into labor. I also have to bring them in with me every week and have them updated at each appointment. And then the nurse told me that they will ask me from now on if I want to have my cervix checked or not. I was a little surprised. I thought that it was standard practice to have it done at every appointment during the last month. But, even though I don't enjoy the process too much, I had already come prepared to be checked and my curiousity was enough to decide it was worth it.

So, when Dr. York checked me, she said I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. However, she said that the baby is still floating really high up and hasn't dropped yet. He tends to move away every time she touches my cervix. This part of the check up was fairly painful so I quickly said, "It's ok. You don't have to touch him!" She laughed and said that she DID need to touch him, but fortunately, the exam was over by this point!

Now, the fact that Josiah hasn't dropped yet (or "engaged" in my pelvis) is a little bit of a cause for concern. She explained that if he doesn't drop soon enough, they can't induce me because it could cause a prolapsed cord (where the cord comes out before the baby does and then gets kinked), which is a life-threatening condition and reason for an emergency C-section. If he hasn't dropped now, it could also indicate that he's having trouble fitting into the pelvic bones, OR the longer he takes to drop could allow him to grow too big making him not be able to fit then. He could also drop with his chin tilted up, which would make for a VERY difficult labor (if labor would still be possible at all). So, while everything is okay at this point and there is time for him to drop down still, Dr. York said that we needed to be watching his progress and that scheduling a C-section may be our next option if it doesn't happen soon enough. There is an added time pressure with the fact that Dr. York is going out of town on September 1st and I'll already be 41 weeks by then. She told me last time that I will FOR SURE have a baby by August 31st, so Josiah needs to be dropped in a very short amount of time or a C-section needs to be scheduled instead to have everything in place by the time I reach my due date and Dr. York goes out of town. I asked her if I should be doing anything to help him drop, like, for example, I knew someone who was bouncing on a yoga ball. She told me NOT to bounce, but that a yoga ball was the perfect thing to do. She said I should sit with my legs far apart to open up my pelvic bones, and I should roll around and rock back and forth. This would encourage him to descend. She said that she would check my cervix, for sure (no choice next time), at my next appointment (Thursday) to see how things have progressed. She didn't say what timeline we have in how soon he has to drop or at what point the decision would be made about the C-section, but from what I read online, it could be determined by this next appointment. I read that the baby normally drops 2-4 weeks before your due date in your first pregnancy. This would mean that he should be dropped by tomorrow. (With subsequent pregnancies, the baby may not drop until you are actually in labor, but everything is different with subsequent pregnancies anyways simply because your body has been through it before.) With my appointment being on Thursday, I'll only have 12 days left until my due date. With the added time crunch of Dr. York leaving town(which will already put me another week past my due date), it could be possible to decide this appointment to go one way or the other.

I told my doctor that I am not really worried about it. I definitely don't want to put Josiah's life at risk with a prolapsed cord. So, if a C-section (emergency or scheduled) is needed, I can deal with that. That's the VERY MOST important issue! And, I don't want to make labor MORE difficult for me than it needs to be. If waiting too long will make Josiah too big or increase the risk of him coming out with his head tilted wrongly, I certainly don't want to do that. When I think about having a C-section versus the vaginal birth I've been anticipating all along, the overly-organized side of me feels like it would be a good option. I'd be able to know exactly when I'm going to meet my baby. I'd know the day and hour I'd be admitted to the hospital and know that I'd see him within a few hours of that. I could have the house all cleaned and the bags all packed, knowing that when I come back into my house again, I'll have my baby in my arms. I'm ready to meet Josiah now. Everything is as ready as I can make it. I've trained someone to take over my job and I've finished all of the major projects I had. There's no reason why I "need" to wait. I could forego also of the actual labor pains, too. And, while I'm not scared at all of the pain involved, I'm certainly not masochistic, looking forward to it! Furthermore, my little cousin is having her 1st birthday party on the 29th, my older cousin is having her 25th birthday party on September 7th, which is also Labor Day weekend. My brother is leaving to move to New Mexico on September 5th, and we'll probably be having his going-away party around August 30th. At this point, I can't really commit to any of those dates, though, not knowing when Josiah might come. But, if he was scheduled to come at a specific time, I would know that I could be carrying my baby with me to those parties. And, most importantly of these, that my brother would be able to have more than just a week with his first and only nephew (or niece for that matter) before moving 1000+ miles away.

But when I look at it from an emotional level, a C-section wouldn't be the same experience I've been looking forward to. My mom wouldn't be able to be in the room with me. I'd only have Jesse. And, even Jesse would have to wait outside while they prep me for surgery. They wouldn't place the baby on my chest or have me breastfeed right away. Instead, they'd give me a few moments of just holding the baby near my face before taking him away to another room. Jesse could follow him into the other room and my mom could be there and see the baby then, but I'd miss out on all of that while they stitch me up. I wouldn't have the mobility or presence to truly see the baby being born, let alone to see Jesse's first reaction or my mom's face light up when she meets her first grandchild. And, while I could forego the actual labor, the recovery time for this major surgery would end up being longer and more difficult than actually facing the labor. Furthermore, I absolutely don't want to stay in the hospital longer than I have to, and a C-section would be a mandatory 3 days or more versus the 6 hours (very minimum) of a vaginal birth. And, not only does the hospital stay add up in costs, but the price of the procedure is tacked onto the bill as well, just making the whole experience a more costly, long, and difficult procedure.

While parts of me desire each one, I think the pros of a vaginal birth outweigh the pros of a C-section in my mind. But, wanting what's best for Josiah makes me okay with either outcome. So, I'll keep rolling around on my yoga ball and we'll keep praying that Josiah drops like he's supposed to, but if Thursday rolls around and the verdict is a C-section, then that's okay.

In the meanwhile, I spent all of last week training a co-worker, Alisha, to take over my job when I leave. I'm happy with the choice to have Alsiha do my job, and the training went very smoothly. Up until just last week, I was still leaving it open whether or not I was coming back since the daycare issue was still up in the air. But in the end, I decided that I needed to take a leap of faith and trust that God would work it out. And I couldn't drag her along THIS far only to take the job away from her in a matter of weeks. I know how it felt to get "screwed over" in my daycare attempts with someone promising you that the job was your's only to end up changing their mind. I wasn't going to do that to her, even if I had every legal right to. And, emotionally (and even financially) I really don't think I could handle leaving my baby AND paying for daycare for him. It's just not in our best interest, even if we aren't sure yet how the daycare thing is going to work out. So, this week, I sit back and watch this other girl do my job, and I'm just available if she has any questions along the way. Easy! And, Friday is my last day before I'm outta here.

And the last time I wrote about the daycare, everything was working out perfectly and coming together. So, what's happened? Well, the one girl, Heather, who works in the other department at my hospital (who is due 1 week before me) just quit responding to my emails. I sent several "checking in" emails to her to see if everything was still on, and she has yet to respond over 2 weeks later. She has also always been in contact with Alisha (who's taking my job) as Alisha is the one who got us connected. So, even though she has yet to ever say anything to me, Heather has told Alisha that she's only working part-time instead of full-time like she originally told me. Furthermore, because she's only going to be working part-time, her income will barely pay the bills and so it's up to her boyfriend if he wants to pay for daycare. But she has yet to tell me any of this. And then, Amy, who I met from Craigslist and have all of the crazy coincidences with, has been really busy the past few weeks, so it's been harder to get ahold of her. And, finally, in our last email, she admitted that while she thinks I'm perfect and she wants to use my daycare, she is having a hard time letting go of her current daycare provider and telling her that she's quitting. I understand that, but her reason for quitting is a legitimate one that shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. So, it's hard for me to be put on hold while she works up the nerves to say goodbye (if she can even do so). So, I will have Josiah, and I'm pretty confident that everything will still work out with my mom's co-worker. And, Amy's baby is not out of the question yet. So, if Heather falls through completely (which I'd be okay with at this point), I think I could get by enough and have room to add more clients soon.

At this point, I'm just taking the leap of faith. I'm believing that God knows when and where and how Josiah needs to come into this world. I'm believing it will be the safest option for both him and me. I'm believing that when I leave on Friday, I'm doing what's best for my baby and myself even if things are more difficult for awhile. I'm believing that the daycare is going to work out as it's supposed to, and that God will meet our financial needs no matter what. And, I'm believing that all of this was purposed for this time and season of our lives. God didn't bring us to this point in time to leave us hanging. He'll work it all out, and He'll work it for our benefit. I believe it. And, when my nerves and doubts start getting the best of me, I choose to take that leap of faith and give it back to Him all over again. Frankly, I don't have the means to figure it out on my own anyways!