Bring on the New Year!... Please!!!

2010 was one of the hardest years I've experienced, along with 2006 where I struggled through my break-up with Jesse and 2008 where I struggled through infertility. Our break-up was most difficult because I watched the man I loved turn in to someone I hated and yet I believed with everything in me that he was the one I was supposed to marry. I sought God every step of the way to give me direction and strength as I interceded for Jesse and wrestled to make sense of my single state vs. my desire for marriage. Infertility brought a lot of questions about God's plan for our lives and about why He may be withholding such a great gift from us. Both situations, I suppose, you could sum up the pain as really a matter of fearing that God would leave me without (a husband or a baby) and feeling isolated in the world of married couples and parents around me. Infertility was only made easier by the fact that I had some very supportive family members, including Jesse right by my side.

2010, however, I felt like Jesse and I were at odds the majority of the time. I can't tell you how many times I thought this year, "Are we really going to make it?" We've always said that divorce is never an option, but I realized this year how easily it becomes an option when you're feeling unloved and disrespected- when you view your spouse as more of a roommate than a lover. We were struggling in every area of our lives:
My daycare business was often unsuccessful, whether it was because my clients flaked out on me or because they were struggling financially themselves and didn't pay me, or even because at times I was overwhelmed with clients and wrestled to find a balance. Jesse lacked serious direction about going to school and possible majors. He'd enroll in a term only to end up frustrated and quitting. And, in the meanwhile, he went back and forth in his feelings about his job, often hating it and feeling like there were no other options. The financial aid was beneficial at the time, but because his schooling never went anywhere, that aid became only future debt with temporary benefits. We both found ourselves immersed in our own hobbies and we butted heads about how to divide our time between caring for Josiah and our own interests. We tried numerous assistance programs, but fell short of the income needed to pay for our house and ended up putting it up for sale to avoid foreclosure. The stress of all of those things drove us apart. We felt like we weren't seeing eye-to-eye on anything. And rather than leaning on each other for support, we pushed each other away. Anger and bitterness turned to lies and deceit, which perpetuated the anger and bitterness. Don't get me wrong. We had good moments. But for weeks at a time I'd feel at odds with Jesse and only have days of peace and love with him in between. All hell broke loose, so to speak, one night, as feelings of resentment and distance and outright not liking each other came to the surface. We talked about why we had ever gotten married in the first place and where each of us had gone wrong. And then we sought to make amends. We started going to a new church (the old one being a source of contention between us). We started marriage counseling, took a marriage seminar through the new church, spent date nights together, and worked on compromising with each other. And, as the year comes to a close, I feel like we're on the right track.

Our house still is for sale with no interested buyers. It'll likely foreclose in the upcoming months, leading to a move, but we have no date set at this point. Jesse is still working his job, although at this point he seems to be content with it. My daycare business is the worst it's ever been, but we're making ends meet because God is faithful and always provides. In the meanwhile, I'm working on building up my craft business with plans to still get certified this year as an event planner. Very little of our actual circumstances have changed, but our attitudes toward each other are ones of trying to act in love.

I have a whole list of things I'm excited about accomplishing in the next year. I want to grow in my relationship with God. And, in the midst of that, He's teaching me a lot about giving generously to others, blessing them with His love. I want to grow in my relationship with Jesse, with a lot less of those questions like, "Are we really going to make it?" and a lot more of "This is why I married this guy!". I'm sure there are going to be changes in our house and jobs and I look forward to new possibilities.

I welcome 2011 with open arms, and I hope to be sharing more about my precious baby big boy in the upcoming months since he's what this is really all about. Wishing everyone a wonderful new year as well!