Wordy Wednesday- Dr. Pepper and Prayers

After my previous post about weariness, things didn't necessarily get better. I suppose it rarely happens like that. I continued to pray and seek God, but by Friday morning, I was still falling apart. I called my mom in tears. I was so angry at Jesse, more than anything. I mean, we were still broke and our dryer was still broken. The kids were still sick, his car was still broken down, and his school was still a mess. Nothing had really changed from before. However, all of the other stuff can be coped with more easily when you have the help of your spouse. But when your other half tells you that you're annoying, that you over-react to everything and are irrational, that you don't do anything and he does everything, and is unwilling to help when you ask for it, it makes you feel completely alone in everything else that you're facing.

In the midst of my phone call to my mom, my brother also called. So, when I was done with our conversation, I called my brother back. Both of them "lectured" me. I say "lecture" because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. They both encouraged lectured me to be the bigger person. David told me that Jesse was moping around the shop at work all day (they work together in case you didn't know) and that even though Jesse hadn't talked to him, he was sure that Jesse must be feeling down about things. David told me, specifically, to be encouraging and supportive of Jesse even if he was rude to me, and that Jesse was likely acting out because he wasn't happy with his own self. He said I should be the bigger person no matter what Jesse did. And he dared to suggest (I say in shock) that I may sometimes be irrational or over-react, and to at least consider if there was truth to that or how I could be better. NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! My mom, in addition to saying I needed to be the bigger person, advised lectured me to find some time with God and to even call one of my MOPS friends and ask them to pray with me. I knew they were both right. But let me tell you that being the bigger person is not fun. It sucks. And when your heart is hurting, it's not an easy choice to make. And as much as I love my new MOPS friends and knew they'd support and love on me, I didn't feel like I had enough of a friendship foundation to completely lay out my drama before them. I'd never even talked to any of them on the phone. So, to call and ask for prayer in between sobs was a little more vulnerable than I was ready to be with them.

A few hours later, though, I drove to pick up Jesse from work and along the way bought a soda for each of us and a juice for Josiah. We had barely been talking to each other as of that morning, but Jesse noticed the soda right away and thanked me for getting it for him. It helped to ease the tension and slowly things started getting a little better. Saturday, Jesse seemed overwhelmed by the messy house and the kids' need for attention. I could tell he needed some time to himself. So I arranged for the kids and me to go to my mom's house for awhile. I didn't leave angrily, like before, I did it as a gesture of love for him, even though he was being fairly difficult. That evening, I dropped the kids back off at home and headed out to my MOPS group's Moms Night Out. We were meeting to go bowling and then have ice cream. I was super excited about this girls night. I had been all month, but during this trying time, I was thrilled to have something fun to look forward to.

I arrived at the bowling alley early and, little by little, other moms started showing up. It turns out, though, that despite calling two weeks ago to reserve our lanes, there was no record of our reservation nor a lane available to use right away. We were reassured that they would take care of it soon, but we had a little time to kill. One of the moms came up to me, having seen some of my recent posts on facebook about the trouble with Jesse's school and about my stress level, and asked me how I was doing. I teared up just recounting all of the drama of the recent weeks to her. And the more I talked, the more emotional I became. She had sympathy all over her face and put her arms around me in comfort. I told her how my mom said I should've called one of them to pray with me. She agreed that I should've, but said there was no wonder why our reservation was lost. She knew that God knew we needed this time and said that they should pray over me right then and there. So, the 6 or so of us that were there went outside for some privacy and they gathered around me to pray. They held my hands and put their arms around me and prayed as I just cried and cried. I can't even adequately express how much I needed that time and how appreciative I am of these ladies. We had a great time bowling. I won't say how terrible my score was, but it didn't matter. We had fun anyway.

And then we went across the street to Cold Stone Creamery for some ice cream where we chatted for the next 2 hours. It wasn't long enough. I could've hung out there all night long!

After a progressively better and better weekend, Jesse and I were talking about everything Monday afternoon. He was talking to me about this cycle that he gets stuck in and how irritated he then gets with things around him- an attribute that he doesn't like about himself. He finds himself annoyed with the kids and with me, and after further conversation tonight, I think that Jesse is feeling very overwhelmed, himself, with all of our lives' stresses. He even made a comment about feeling like the universe is against him- that people and businesses we are relying on don't call us back when they are supposed to and companies mess up our services through them. And then the house is messy and we can't afford things we need and the baby is crying and he begins to feel down and out. It's not all that different from how I was feeling. He was just lashing out at me in response to his stress. But, as we were talking, he said that Friday afternoon at work, he was just sulking and feeling like our marriage was falling apart. At that point, though, he wasn't caring too much. I know that David had a similar talk with Jesse as he did with me, but Jesse's response was that he didn't care how I felt and that although he wasn't planning on a divorce, he also just didn't care about me and my feelings. Now, I don't really think we were that close to divorce, and divorce is not something either of us ever plan on facing. But, when you get angry and resentment builds up, you find yourself not caring anymore. And then divorce doesn't seem that bad of an option. HOWEVER, when he got in the car that afternoon and saw the soda that I bought for him, it was a small gesture to just say that I still cared... I cared even though he didn't. And it was convicting for him. Being the bigger person went against everything I wanted to do, but God worked through it to mend wounds in our marriage- through a 20 oz bottle of Dr. Pepper... I can just see how different things would've been had I not gotten the soda and instead remained angry at Jesse. There would have been more bickering and more tension and things probably would've gotten progressively worse rather than better. If he was already thinking our marriage was falling apart, how much more would it have been solidified through further arguing? 

Now, I know that a Dr. Pepper, some kind words, a few laughs and some kisses and hugs don't fix years of addiction and resentment and self-destructive cycles. But God is working in the midst of it. Much of the rest of our conversation was about seeking some Christian counseling in order to cope with the feelings that Jesse, especially, has been facing. This really is a regular cycle of being a fantastic, loving husband and wonderful father, working his butt off to put us first and provide for us, and then getting overwhelmed or frustrated and giving up. In the midst of giving up, he stops caring how I feel, lashes out at me and is rude. He gets angry with the kids and doesn't want to "deal" with them. He retreats to his computer and doesn't want to be bothered. This is often when he struggles the most with his tobacco addiction, no longer desiring to quit but deciding to do whatever he feels like doing regardless of how it affects the rest of us. I have been through this cycle so many times that I struggle with trusting him. I have resentment towards him for the things that have been said and done when he doesn't care. I have hurts and scars from the constant roller coaster of repeating this cycle over and over again. We do go on and live normal, relatively happy lives in between these cycles. But the constant process really eats away at the foundation of our relationship. And I do think it's important to address these issues that have long been laying beneath the surface. I've emailed the church and am waiting to hear back on the possibility of beginning counseling through them.

I think we're headed in the right direction. I think the forgiveness in our marriage and the encouragement and love are helping us to work through things together better. We will be getting a new washer and dryer through a generous donation. We're junking Jesse's car and hoping to get some extra cash out of that. And, in the meanwhile, at least our new 7-seater car that we bought in October is working well and holds all of us. Jesse is applying for school online at Linfield College, and I think it's a good move for his education and career. The kids are getting better with fewer snotty noses each day. There's always going to be problems that we face, but at least the present ones are finding some resolution.

And the marked improvement this week may have begun with a bottle of soda, but I truly believe that God has been working in our prayers. In fact, I take that back. It didn't begin with the soda. People were praying long before the soda was ever purchased. It began with the prayers- the prayers of my mom and my brother, the prayers of my MOPS group, the prayers of my friends online, and the prayers I uttered in the midst of my sighs and tears. I'm not done praying yet either. Lord knows we still need it! I need it on a daily basis to persevere past my frustrations and tiredness and towards doing what is right regardless. I need it because there will always been something broken, less money than I want, or a "crisis" of some sort. I need it to act in love when I don't feel loved first or in return. I need it to teach my kids to seek God in all that they do because, even though they are little now, they will learn from my example. Thank you to those who have been praying for me. I appreciate every one. And, I'd love to pray for you too if you need it. Just leave a comment or email me with your request. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7