Expectations

We had a very merry Christmas and then came a happy crappy new year!

I've always struggled with how to write about my marriage in my blog, or even on facebook. I really believe that no matter how much I say, good or bad, it's not enough to give anyone an accurate portrayal of our relationship. That unless you live with us day to day and see our interactions and hear our conversations and know each of us on a personal level, then you can't truly know what it's like for us. And, even then, there's years worth of background information and upbringings and personality types that make our relationship and interaction what it is. So, anything I say on here is barely scratching the surface, and I really hesitate to say anything negative, for fear that it's all you know of him in the little I write. And after writing this, I don't even want to push the publish button because of the ways it might cause any of my readers to view my marriage. So, my hope is that as you are about to read what I have written, rather than judging any of it, you recognize that it is a fraction of the whole story, that there is greatness in the midst of the terribleness, and that, more than anything, it causes you to pray for us and to honor and take care of your own marriages.

The truth is that we've had a rocky relationship over the years. It's been amazing and it's been terrible! When we started dating, after spending the previous 5 years as friends in our youth group at church, we knew instantly that God brought us together. Within 5 months, we were planning on getting married and completely in love. But Jesse struggled with a wishy-washy spirit, and when submerged in the partying lifestyle of his football team during his freshman year of college, he pushed God away and subsequently pushed me away as well. He questioned God's existence and the truth of his relationship with Him, and he doubted if we were really meant to be together and if he truly loved me. He ended up breaking up with me for over a year and half- the hardest year I've ever been through. I watched him turn from someone I loved with all of my heart to someone I hated to the core. The guy who said he would do anything in his power to just ensure I was happy and who couldn't spend enough time with me changed into someone who did everything in his power to hurt me and couldn't stand the sight of me. I REALLY prayed, "Are you sure, God, that this is the guy I'm supposed to marry because I don't even like him right now?" And I really believe that God told me yes. So, I continued to pray on his behalf and put myself into his life as much I could. I was there for him no matter how much he pushed me away. After a year and half of being split up, God began to change Jesse's heart again and Jesse saw how much I loved him through everything, and, in turn, saw God's never-ending love for him as well. When he asked me back out, he knew that he was essentially asking me to marry him. And on January 5th, 2007, we began dating again. We got engaged a month and half later and married 4 1/2 months later. It was fast, but we knew it was meant to be.

In the 4 1/2 years since our wedding, we've been through a roller-coaster of emotions. We went through a year of infertility, my first pregnancy with Josiah, adjusting to life with a child, trying to conceive again, another pregnancy, and now life with a 2 year old and a 2 month old. Throw in the financial struggles we've faced in losing income, losing the house we bought, and Jesse trying to attend college while also working full-time in the midst of having kids, and the stress levels have been at an all-time high throughout these years. For the most part, I can look back and say that I think Jesse is a fantastic husband and father. He works his butt off for us. He tries really hard to be the man he is supposed to be. He is quick to say he is sorry- a trait that I struggle to possess. He has lifted me up and put me first, making me feel extremely loved. He has taken on equal (or sometimes a greater) role in helping with the household chores. He is also extremely hands-on in taking care of our kids. Both of these things are attributes that I know many husbands shy away from and I am extremely grateful for his love and support in all of these ways.

But interspersed in the greatness are bits of that guy that I hated so much. Moments when he grows weary of sacrificing so much of himself and does a 180* to being so utterly selfish that I'm left reeling in the dust of his turn-around. Moments when he's tired of being the first to say he's sorry, especially about things he doesn't think he did wrong, and so he stops caring about how I feel and making it right and begins saying really rude things and talking down to me. Moments when he becomes resentful of the amount of work it takes to care for his family, believing that he does "everything" and I do "nothing", and so he "runs away" to feel the freedom of bachelor-hood for just a little while longer. It's these times that I really feel like he isn't the guy I married- the guy who prayed with me after proposing and asked God to teach him to be a husband that loves his wife with all that he is and lifts her up as holy and without blemish, the guy who made me feel more loved than I ever have in my life, and the guy who I loved so much that there was no relationship I envied more than our own. But I have recently realized that even this "ugly" Jesse is the guy I married. I thought that nasty part of him was gone and in the past when we married, but the truth is that the characteristics he is displaying during these times are the same as he always has. It's evidence of that wishy-washy spirit making its appearance again.

I know that our struggles are not all Jesse's fault either. But, of course, when I'm the one butting heads with him, I am going to think he's wrong and I'm right. Otherwise, there wouldn't be an argument to begin with. And, while I think that my greatest place of wrongness in our arguments is my attitude towards him, I believe that it nearly always begins with his actions in the first place and so I justify my bad attitude. That is, of course, my biased opinion. I do also try to be very prayerful about my role in our relationship. I frequently ask God what I need to be doing differently, how I messed up during that fight, and asking Him to help mold me into the wife He calls me to be.

Add in to all of this that Jesse has an extremely addictive personality and that he has struggled with addictions to pornography, to alcohol, and to tobacco- all things I despise- and I think you can start to see the problems we face. And while the first two addictions were for moments in his life, the tobacco addiction is something that he's fought for 7 years now. He began chewing tobacco during college along with is football teammates and the addiction got a hold of him that he's been unable to kick since then. Many times, he has tried to quit, only to fall back into it once again. He's tried cold turkey, he's tried slowly weaning off of it, he's tried substitutions like jerky chew, mint chew, herbal chew, chewing gum, Nicorette gum, and most recently, he tried going to a doctor for a prescription to help stop chewing. He's been "successful" during many of these times of quitting, going months without chewing and feeling free of the temptation, but then he'll suddenly decide he "feels like doing it" again or he'll use stress as an excuse to pick up the habit once more. I can't even count on both hands the number of times he's "quit" and relapsed again. And the whole process drags me on this emotional roller coaster of pride and disappointment, trust and mistrust, support and disdain. It's gotten to the point that I try to be supportive and believe him when he says he's quitting, but I've been let down so many times (each and every time) that I can't trust him when he tells me that. And it becomes more than just whether he's caught up in the habit or not, but it becomes about love, trust, and respect between us. I feel lied to. I feel like it's something he chooses over his wife and children. I feel disrespected when it comes to caring how I feel about it. And I feel at a complete loss as to how to respond to it because it seems that no matter how supportive or angry I am, both are the wrong answer.

Most recently, everything I've mentioned in this whole post has seem to hit us all at once. We struggled through my pregnancy with Micah. I was physically unable to do much around the house, especially when I was 7 months pregnant and it was 100 degrees outside. I couldn't do many of the chores that required constant bending over. And Jesse often became resentful of picking up the slack. Also, while I don't think my hormones were out of control or irrational, he often felt they were. So, we argued a lot. Then Micah arrived and I think it's ALWAYS an adjustment to get used to a newborn baby, the lack of sleep, the lack of sex, and the constant attention that is suddenly required of you. So, we've added more stress to our plate and strained our relationship further. Then Jesse started going to college on top of working full-time, adding one more thing that is vying for his attention. And while we've had these really nice moments of love and of intimacy and of fun in the midst of this time, it seems overshadowed by the bickering, the stress, and the distance we feel towards each other.

And then I find out on New Year's Eve that after most recently going to the doctor to stop chewing and being on the Nicorette gum and on a prescription medicine, Jesse has stopped all treatment and began smoking instead. I was furious and hurt all over again. And because I was angry at him, he decided that he didn't want to be around me either and so he left and went to his brother's for the night. I was left alone with both kids all night with no knowledge of when he'd actually be back. I also don't think that it's mature for an adult man with a wife and kids to "run away" because someone is mad at him. When he returned home, we got into a big argument, and I honestly REALLY don't know the right way to respond to the entire situation. I'm not sure if putting everything behind me and accepting him as a smoker is right. I'm not sure if being angry and telling him how I feel is right. I'm sure it's somewhere in the middle, but I have no idea what that looks like. So, I'm at a tug-o-war with myself as I face how I feel and pray that God gives me direction moment by moment. Therefore, despite my intense anger and hurt towards him, later in the evening I tried to share with him some of my goals for this new year.

I have these ideas to get really organized- to better schedule my day so that the kids are on a routine, so that chores can be done around the house on a daily basis, so that I can de-clutter much of the house, and so that I have time to myself and time with God and time with Jesse. All of these things would address issues that he's had with me and hopefully mend some on-going problems. In addition, I wanted to share with him the idea of choosing a word that you are going to focus on for the year. I was inspired by this article and the ways that God has changed her life and revealed Himself through the various words she's embraced in roughly 25 years. So, I told him that I was contemplating what my word should be, and we began discussing these plans I had. While it started as a nice discussion, there were moments where old hurts resurfaced and there was one word that kept popping up in our speech that got my attention.

Expectations...

The expectations Jesse had for his wife.
The expectations I had for my husband.
The expectations we place on each other on a daily basis.

And that made me think about all of the areas I struggle with my expectations. In truth, the complete source of all frustration and disappointment in my life stems from whatever it is not meeting my expectations.

And I am at an utter loss at how you are supposed to live your life without such expectations!

When Jesse and I were engaged, we attended a marriage class where the main principle was to not place expectations on your spouse. It's a nice idea, but I have no idea how it's even possible to live that way. I think that expectations are a normal way that our brain functions. It's without conscious thought. It's a natural occurrence and one that I'm not sure how to turn off.

I understand not expecting that Jesse DO a certain number of things in the day and complete certain tasks, but is it practical to also not expect that he treat me with love and respect? Should I not expect to have a husband who puts God first and then me and our kids? Concerning the chewing/smoking, am I allowed to expect that he quit because of how it impacts his family? Is it okay to expect that he at least respect my feelings towards it and not do it for that sole reason? Is it asking too much to expect ANYTHING from him at all? I don't really get it. But I felt God pressing that word upon me as the source of my frustration, disappointment, and strife, and asking me to give over my expectations to Him.

And then I wondered... what about expecting things from God? I know I can't expect Him to answer my prayers in specific ways or on my timing. But I can expect that things will work out for my good and that He will never let me down, right? He promises it. So, where do I draw the line on what are acceptable expectations and not?

I guess I'm about to spend the next year learning, because that's what I feel like God's been speaking to me for the last 12 hours. My plan is to add a page to the top of my header that contains my prayers for Jesse. And I want to start lifting him up more regularly and very specifically to God. I don't know what to expect, but I do expect that SOMETHING is going to happen. It has to, right? I also want to check out this book:

I know nothing about it but the title, but I'm thinking that I need to start loving him purposefully instead of barely tolerating him at all. In truth, I have been acting like he's the one who has changed since we got married, but I don't love him unconditionally the way I used to. In fact, I'm convicted by the fact that I rarely acting loving at all. I try. I determine to be a better wife and I start doing load after load of laundry and dishes and I make his lunch for him. But I'm resentful about doing it and my attitude towards him has still been indifferent or hateful at times. How can I expect that he put me first and shower me with love, if I'm not doing it either?

I climbed into bed tonight and was praying about how to respond to the smoking thing. I had just found a pack of cigarettes in his jacket pocket, and I debated whether to destroy them or ignore them. So, I prayed and asked God for direction. And I got the idea to put a note inside the pack that was, in my opinion, neither condoning it nor shaming him for it. I hope that it was the right balance of love and encouragement. It said, "As much as I hate this, I still love you. In fact, it's because I love you that I hate this so much." And I wrote the note and stuck it in the pack of cigarettes.

At this point, I don't know if he's read it or not. He woke up earlier than I did to watch the kids while I slept. And when I got up, he showered, got lunch for us, and left to go to his brother's for the Rose Bowl football game. And while we are tolerating each other civilly at this point, it's just that- tolerating. There's still no love and no joy between us. He went to bed and left today without kissing me goodbye. And I struggle because I don't want to kiss him yet, but I don't like the distance between us either. He's unapologetic for his actions so far and is disconnecting himself from us- sitting at his computer playing games with headphones on or just avoiding being home altogether. I feel VERY alone in all of this. My mom and brother are compassionate, but are staying at a distance when it comes to talking to me about it or being around either of us. My best friend is working so much that I barely get to talk to her. I guess that leaves me no choice but to turn to God for comfort and advice. I know it's the best place to be, but my heart is hurting and I wish I had someone who would just put their arms around me and say they love me right now. In the meanwhile, I can only do what God is calling me to do- surrender my expectations and strive towards being the best wife I can be right now.