Updated Expectations

Since I last posted about everything that was going on between Jesse and me, things have vastly improved and are pretty much back to normal. I spent those following days really angry at him. Coming from someone who never cusses, my mind would be filled with angry and profane things I wanted to yell at him. Coming from someone who is not violent at all, I wanted to hit him- I suppose wanting to inflict pain on him since he hurt me (only emotionally, though). I knew this was not a Godly way to feel, though- I'm just being honest- so I kept surrendering all of those feelings and thoughts to God every time they arose. I tried to talk civilly to him and carry on like life was normal, but just below the surface, I was boiling with anger. So, if he he did anything that rubbed me the wrong way, all of those negative emotions came up with great intensity. And, again, I'd have to take it to God. After a few days, with a lot of prayer, devotional time, and careful consideration, I realized that I couldn't just stay mad at him forever. Either I had to let go of my anger NO MATTER WHAT HE DID, or the animosity between us was going to tear us apart. And, considering that as angry as I was, I still in no way was seeking a divorce, I realized that it had to be the first option. So, I finally told Jesse that I didn't want to be angry anymore and wanted things to be better between us. I even told him about my word for the year "expectations" and my prayers for him, and the things that God was teaching me through it all. I told him that I struggled to not be angry since he didn't seem apologetic, and that I didn't know how it was possible to not have expectations of him, but that I was trying to surrender it all to God instead and allow Him to teach me through it. He seemed to appreciate it all and respect it.

In the days after that, we have slowly been able to work back to normal. We've held hands again and kissed again and said "I love you" again. We've laughed together and had intimate time together and worked together to accomplish the tasks necessary for our house to function. When something is said that starts to stir up an argument, I've been saying, "Do you really want to start a fight?" And often Jesse says that that's not what he meant by it and clarify it, allowing us to avoid an argument and communicate a little better. We've both agreed that we enjoy kissing and making up much more than fighting and being distant.

In the meanwhile, I've learned that Jesse is trying to stop smoking/chewing again and going back to chewing the Nicorette gum. However, he is hesitant to tell me that he's officially quitting because he doesn't want to let me down again. And I told him that I wasn't going to have any expectations about it. I had to be okay with him smoking the rest of our lives if that's what it meant. As much as I hate it, I can't imagine choosing divorce because he decided to be a smoker. So, I just have to take it to God instead. I'm praying that he is able to overcome it, but I'm resigning to the fact that God is in control regardless.

I think things are about to get hard again, though, and we're going to be really tested in the upcoming weeks. Jesse starts school on Monday and his schedule will be absolutely insane. He will be going to work everyday at 6:30am and getting off at 3pm. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, he will leave work around 8:30am and go to school to attend a class before coming back to work at 10:30am. And Monday through Thursday, he will also go back to school after work from 6 or 7pm to 8 or 9pm. Most of these days, he will likely go straight to school after work to study, complete homework, and get an early start to his class. This means that he will be gone about 15 hours a day, 4 days a week, and 8 hours the 5th day! While he has Friday nights and weekends off, I can't imagine that he'll really be "free". I'm sure he's going to need more time to complete homework or study on those nights too. And even though I will be home alone with both kids the entire time he's gone, I can't just throw my hands up in the air and say, "They're all yours!" as soon as he walks in the door. I have to be mindful of how hard he's working and that he needs free-time as well. I'm scared that we're both going to be pushed to the max and I've seen how hard this has been on our marriage in the past. We know that we're both going to need to put God first, and to communicate with each other often, and to be mindful of each other's needs. But I know how easy it is to be overcome with stress and turn on each other instead. It's going to take a lot of prayer and a lot of patience.

I was worried about it before we had our big New Year's Eve blowup. I was afraid it'd be the end of us afterwards. Now, I'm just glad that we're on good terms again with this staring us in the face, but I still have a lot of fear. So, I ask for any readers I have to be praying for us, and I know that I'm going to need to take it all before God and lay it at His throne in complete surrender. I can't carry this burden, but he can.

Anyway, I just wanted to update you guys so that I didn't leave you hanging with the despair surrounding my last post, and let you know that God has been teaching me a lot and restoring our relationship. I have some fun posts coming up soon to let you know about all of the other things that are going on in my life. And I hope you guys enjoy what's to come... although I won't put any expectations on you ;-)