Get comfy... it's time for an update

It's been so long since I've written, I'm not even sure where to begin. At first, it was the difficulty in blogging with an infant that kept me from posting. While I had stuff I wanted to share, trying to write an extensive post with only one hand didn't seem worth it. Micah's gotten more independent with each passing month so I have more hands free, but I still find myself constantly busy. That's life, isn't?! If Micah doesn't want my attention, Josiah usually does. If neither of them does, then I'm trying to do my own thing.

My most recent "own thing" is a party I'm throwing. I ran across this idea online, inspired by Oprah's Favorite Things show where she gives away all of her favorite seasonal items to each guest. Now, I'm not a bajillionairre by any means, just like most of you. So the idea is that instead of the host giving away a bunch of items, each guest bring their favorite things and we all exchange, allowing each person to go home with something new. Most people do a price limit too, so that no one feels put out. And the amount of things you bring and the price depend on how big of a party you are hosting. I'm having about 36 people and asked each person to bring 3 items with no price limit. I wanted to allow people to bring whatever they were comfortable with, without feeling obligated to spend a certain amount. For some, this may be $3 and for some, it may be $30. My other thought was that this party needed almost no decoration- you just open your home or find a venue, maybe have some tablecloths and a banner, and everyone brings their own stuff. Everyone is also even bringing their own food. I asked my guests to bring their favorite appetizer. Other parties do desserts or finger foods. BUT... as more and more people began to RSVP to my party and especially considering that 60% have never attended a party I've thrown before, I felt obliged to make it something more spectacular. I'm doing chevron prints and rainbow colors with elements of chalkboard and pinwheels everywhere. Confused? Once you see the pictures, it'll for sure make sense. The party is tomorrow and I'm VERY excited!!!

At the beginning of the party planning, I also decided to start trying to make my craft and party business more professional. I created a new blog just for that stuff. I spent a lot of time designing it, going back into my archives and pulling out old party and craft pictures to post, watermarking all of my images, and trying to network with other craft/party bloggers. It is so time consuming and there's so much more I need to do! First off, I kinda want to redo the design. I feel like branding is such a HUGE part of a business, and I'm struggling to find what brand I want to identify me. I've considered paying someone to do it professionally. I'm just not sure if I can afford it, but then I feel it affects so much else. Secondly, I've gotten a lot of traffic from Pinterest, but I have no followers yet. I probably need to link to more crafty link parties and hope to get more followers. Perhaps I can also get other crafty bloggers to follow me too by networking with them. I want to host my own link parties and have guest bloggers and do the same for others. It's a lot of work, though! So, when I was able to blog, I was mostly doing it there... and by "there", I mean http://sonny-sideup.blogspot.com. Please check it out, give me your honest feedback, and follow me there too!

I also stay very busy with MOPS. We have 1 more month of normal meetings and then will just have play dates throughout the summer. Out of the 8 steering (leadership) team members, 4 have decided to not continue on staff next year. I'm sad to not continue with the friends I've come to love, but I'm excited to see what God has in store for next year. I ALMOST took on the group coordinator position, but after lots of prayer and some long talks with the other girl who was interested in becoming coordinator, I felt that God wanted me to stay with crafts and for her to take the job instead. I've been very blessed with the friendships I've made and the way God has used me in the group.

When it comes to the other areas of my life, I'm just as busy!
Let me start with my kiddos...

Micah will be 6 months old on May 2nd. He is SO BIG! and absolutely the sweetest baby ever!

 

He is so close to crawling (at least a month and half earlier than Josiah did!) and is all over the place. If you put him on the floor, he can scoot, wiggle, and push his way all over the room. He can sit up, kinda, but he is so eager to grab things that he quickly falls over. Micah is absolutely one of the most smiley babies I've ever known. When I began taking him to the church nursery at 4 months old, I was quickly told by the workers that Micah has the sweetest disposition. He is so calm and relaxed and just grins from ear to ear at everyone. The only difficulty I have in caring for him is that he's not the only one I care for. It's the constant need of attention from 2 kids that wears me out, but each one individually is such a source of joy and pride!

Josiah amazes me everyday. His birthday is quickly approaching in 4 short months! I'll need to start planning by the first of June!!! 

 

He learns new words everyday. His lack of speech still concerns me a little, as well as the way he pronounces some things. It's hard to know what to compare him to because some 2 years olds speak as clearly as 5 year olds, and some speak less than 1 year olds... and both are within normal range. At his 2 year checkup, they expressed a little concern, but said we'll wait and see how it improves. He doesn't go back until 3 year checkup, so I guess we'll find out then if he should have some speech therapy. He's great at identifying things, but he's not very conversational. So, it's hard to ask him what's wrong or what he needs or to explain why he has to wait or listen to me. But if I'm reading a book with him, he can name almost everything on the page. He's wild and crazy and keeps me running always! It's a handful to hold Micah and keep Josiah from running away any time we leave the house, including the driveway, dr's appointments, church, MOPS, and anywhere else. I try to plan things when Jesse can help or do whatever I can to contain both boys at the same time. What am I going to do when Micah outgrows his infant carseat? EEK! We deal with major meltdowns multiple times a day, as is normal with 2 year olds. Most have to do with being told "no" or "hold on" or having to leave something he doesn't want to. And while it wears me thin sometimes, he is also SO sweet and loving. He loves crawling into my lap and snuggling with me. He gives me kisses and says "sweet momma!". I adore him!

As far as Jesse is concerned, life's a roller coaster as always. I really struggle with how much to write about him, which is why I stay silent most of the time. How I feel about him, happy or sad, changes from day to day. So, if I post right after a big argument, you'd get a completely different picture than if I posted after we spent a day having fun together. Looking at it as objectively as possible, though, I'd say that a roller coaster is a pretty accurate description of our relationship. We went through a terrible break up between dating and getting married. It lasted for a year and half and was the hardest thing I've ever faced. Jesse was terrible during that time. He was mean to me and made me cry. He pushed me away and I didn't like him. But I really felt that God told me he was the one I was supposed to marry. I questioned God about it because I didn't like Jesse at that point, but still felt it was true. When we got back together and quickly got engaged and married, I saw the Jesse I had fallen in love with return. I assumed that the Jesse from our break up was not the real Jesse, and instead the sweet guy who put me above all else and sought to make me happy was the real Jesse. I was then hurt and shocked when years into our marriage I saw that ugly side of him again. I felt betrayed, like he had changed and was no longer the guy I vowed to love. But I recently realized that both sides are completely Jesse and completely real. And the one that I see can change from month to month, which is extremely difficult for me to deal with, but is reality...

I also used to believe that marriage was a representation of the church's relationship with God. It was intended to be one of passion and joy. One where the bride submitted her will to her husband's in complete respect for him. One where the groom sacrificed his desire and needs for that of his wife in order to lift her up and make her be the best she could possibly be. People gave me terrible advice when I was engaged, swearing that someday I'd get tired of seeing that same face next to me and be bored with him. I thought that marriage didn't have to be like that. I believed that if it were truly a representation of God's relationship with us, then it should always be passionate and exciting. And, while I still believe that's true, I believe there's a difference between what our relationship with God OUGHT to be and what it REALLY is. It ought to be passionate and never-ending and full of self-sacrificial love and respect. But if you look at the church, it's really full of many who are complacent or judgmental or are only looking out for themselves. I was even thinking of how marriage was in the Bible. Adam and Eve could have seen each other as true soul-mates, hand designed by God, literally each other's half. But when faced with trouble, they pointed the fingers at each other and said it wasn't their own fault. I thought of many examples in the Bible where there were multiple wives and concubines, and while this was normal of the culture, the truth is that the Bible doesn't give us very clear examples of marriages we should emulate. And then I thought of Hosea and Gomer. Hosea was a prophet of God, a man whose life was devoted to speaking the message God gave him, and yet God told him to marry a prostitute. When Gomer, the prostitute, ran away to be with other men, God instructed Hosea to BUY her back! It was his wife who left him, but he paid a price for her and brought her back to him. No matter how much she betrayed him and slept around with other men or walked away from their marriage, God told Hosea to be steadfast in his commitment. This was because God was showing Israel a picture of His relationship with them. In reality, the relationship with God and His chosen people wasn't love and butterflies and roses and date nights, it was adultery and apathy and, I'm sure, a lot of heartache. Yet, it was a picture of a God who never walks away- who is still there with open arms, even though He grieves the unfaithfulness of His "bride". 

When I look back at those many months that I prayed for Jesse, I don't believe I heard God wrong about Jesse being the one I was meant to marry. But maybe my understanding of God's purpose in our marriage wasn't totally correct. Our relationship is not nearly as extreme as infidelity and prostitution, but there are hurts and past addictions and stress and walls. Maybe God's purpose in our marriage is not so much a picture of God's perfect relationship with us, but of His imperfect relationship with us. I don't presume to be God, or even necessarily Hosea, in this scenario. I just mean that sometimes God purposes for things to be great so that His glory can shine through it, and sometime He purposes for things to be hard for His grace to shine through it. One can be used to bless us and the other to teach us, and sometimes both at the same time. I think we could really benefit from counseling, although I'm not sure how to make it financially possible. I also hope that someday we will be that sweet old married couple that talks about how they fell in love with each other even more as the years passed- the ones who can look back at the hard days earlier in their marriage and know they made it through better in the end. But, for right now, I feel like I have to just take each day and each situation and each argument to God, asking what I need to do in response. It feels often like being beaten down repeatedly and having to just suck it up and keep fighting. And it often feels like a losing battle, continuing to fight only to face the inevitable loss. A lot of times, I don't want to fight anymore. It seems easier to walk away (especially if this is what my future continues to hold), but I have to keep trying...And maybe it's one of those underdog fights where the person who looks like they're losing gets the knockout in the final minutes and becomes champion after all. I hope so! And if not, if it's what God still purposed for me, I have to believe there's good in the difficulty. 

But I hope for victory because, despite all of this, I do love Jesse. And I do believe he's a great guy. His good side is SO VERY GOOD! There's a side of Jesse that's an excellent dad and a loving, devoted husband. He's fun and I believe that his strengths complement my weaknesses. In that way, he makes me a better person and we work so well together. I believe God is good no matter what. Being in a difficult relationship is just that- DIFFICULT! But I know God is using it for my good. I pray it's for Jesse's good and for our kids' good as well. And my heart's desire is that it won't always be difficult, but no matter what, I will praise Him.

Daniel 3:16-18

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

Job 13:15

Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;