I received a call from my doctor just over half an hour ago and my number as of yesterday is 150. That's triple what it was 2 days earlier at 50, and all they are looking for is for it to double. So that is great news. The nurse said that they want me to wait a week and come back to get my next beta test done. She told me to come in Tuesday, December 23rd for my next test so that they can get the results before the holiday weekend. Once the number hits 1000, then they will schedule me for an ultrasound since you can't really see anything before it gets that high. According to my calculations, if the number simply doubles every other day until then, then at my next appointment it should be 1200. If it triples every other day like it did this last time, then it'll be 4,050 at my next appointment! Either way, we'd be in the clear for getting the ultrasound ordered.
This gives me a sense of relief. I cannot tell you how much of a downer this fear given me. After receiving the phone call yesterday with my first test results, I felt overwhelmed with fear that my number was too low and that it wouldn’t increase like it should, leading to a certain miscarriage. I shared the news with my boss, just telling her what the number was and how I felt about it. I couldn't hold back the tears. In fact, I made her cry too. It took everything I had to fight my way through the rest of the day. I was emotionally drained. I just wanted to go home and curl up, not in defeat believing that my baby was going to die, but tired of overanalyzing all of the possibilities. I cried all of the way to the doctor's office and had to pull myself together just to go inside. I struggle with negative thoughts all day long, ever since I first saw the positive results, scared to reveal the news to another new person for fear that I may soon have to take it all back. Today, I woke up and it was just like a cloud of grief hanging over my head. I rode quietly all of the way to work, only saying, "mmhhmm" when Jesse would make a comment about the weather or about plans for tonight. Those things seemed insignificant to the weight of the world I felt I had on my shoulders. And, when I let my thoughts wander, I found myself fighting back tears. Every night we've been praying together, each laying hands on my belly and lifting up our baby to God. I treasure every day of knowing that I'm pregnant because I know what a gift it is. It's knowing that, though, that keeps me fearful of losing it. i try to put it back in God's hands. I ask Him to give me a peace about things and help me to trust Him no matter what happens. And I feel fine for just a moment, only to immediate fall back into my fearful thinking. I hate that. I don't want to spend these precious first weeks in so much negativity. Melanie reminded me yesterday to speak life into my womb. I realized how much negativity and death was filling my thoughts and how I needed to boldly stand on the power of God and proclaim health and life over my baby. I thought about the two stories of MckMama and Angie. I haven't been following MckMama for as long or indepth as Angie, but from what I gather of her story, she found out earlier this year, during the summer, that at 20 weeks pregnant her baby had a heart condition that meant certain death. Angie discovered similar news at 20 weeks pregnant (during January of this year) that her daughter had several defects which would also lead to certain death. Both women have tens of thousands of people who follow their blogs. People all over the world were praying for each. They were even praying for each other. Angie's daughter, Audrey, was born on April 7th, 2008 and passed away 2 hours later. On October 29th, 2008, MckMama gave birth to a perfectly healthy little boy, Stellan, after having been told for 13 weeks that he was going to die. There has not been one trace of any heart defect or any ailment at all in the 7 weeks since his birth.
I don't know why God works in the ways He does, but as an outsider, I can see the amazing testimony that both of these women have for the Lord. Their stories have changed the world, as people all over are seeing God in BOTH situations.
I've got to believe that God is doing something in me. But before I count myself in the same category as Angie (to receive a testimony through heartache), I think I need to stand firm on God's grace and power. After God showed me the power of Him working in pain, I realized that I needed to surrender my infertility to Him. When I did that, He began to tell me to anticipate that He was about to move. He told me to change the way I was talking- to say "When I get pregnant..." instead of "If I get pregnant...". I had to believe He was really going to do it. I only had one more period after that, and then the very next month I got pregnant. I'm not saying that that's how He will work in everyone. That's how He worked with me. So, now that I am pregnant, why am I so afraid of God taking it away from me?! He told me He was going to bring me here. I should be standing in faith, knowing that I am where I'm supposed to be. And, if the worst happens, I still know God is going to use it. He'll use it for my good. And while I don't want to think about that even being a possibility, knowing that He promises to use it for my good gives me a peace about it.
After I posted yesterday, Kara reminded me that people all over are praying for me. It's true. Many people who commented said they were praying for me. I just hadn't really thought about it in the sense that people all over the nation are praying for me. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. I think that prayer is the most loving thing you can do for someone else. It means that you recognize that they have a need and it's not something you can fix on your own, so you lift up their need to the only one who CAN fix it and lay it before His feet at His throne. It's a beautiful image to me. I cherish those prayers. Thank you for every single one of them.
I know that so much can happen over the next 8 weeks. We're definitely not out of the woods yet. But I feel much more at peace because I'm finally recognizing that it's ok in God's hands. In fact, there's no better place it can be.
Previous Comments:
NeNe said...
Yay- this number is awesome!!!
BTW, thanks for your comment on my blog- it made me laugh and feel better all at the same time :) I am certifiably insane when it comes to this IF stuff, and it is good to be reminded that God is in control and I can choose to believe The Truth, or a lie. Thanks!
December 18, 2008 1:42 PM
The Baker's said...
COngrats on the beta results. Try to stay positive and enjoy each day that God has given you to carry your baby, enjoy the moment, I pray that you have a safe and healthy 9 months, take it to him and he will take care of you and reveal his plan for you and your little one that is growing.
I do total understand where you are coming from with being scared and cautious. I was the same way when I find out I was pregnant being nervous and fearful wondering the future. I think that my second beta was 271, but I was pg with twins, so you are right on track.
Think positive girl. Keep me in your prays please as we are going on 2 year of ttc with one loss and I will be testing soon. As it would be a great C-Xmas present this year.
Hugs
December 18. 2008 2:02 PM
maw82 said...
Hey girl! Thank you for your comment! and I wasa only telling you what was from my heart I know how it feels to finally get pregnant! May God be with you and your baby throught the whole 9 months! Maybe I can be next!
December 18, 2008 4:42 PM
Shanny said...
I'm so glad that your numbers tripled. Yay!!!
You are absolutely right. I think the power of prayers is amazing and it definitely works miracles. I will keep you in mine hoping you will give birth to a beautiful and healthy baby next year =)
December 18, 2008 5:52 PM
Melody said...
Oh that's great you got such a great beta number.
I'll let you (and all my blog friends)know in a few days where I am in my cycle. Needless to say, I'm on pins and needles in the 2 week wait.
December 18, 2008 8:02 PM
kcmarie122 said...
Yay!!!! I'm so glad you got some good results to help alleviate your fears!
And yes, people all over the nation are definitely praying for you!
Hugs!
kcmarie122
December 19, 2008 6:36 AM
maw82 said...
Hey Mandy! Thanks for the comment! My dd is August 23, 2009! So we are so close ! My period was Nov 16! Now I am a true friend to share this experience with! I dont go to the dr until the 30th so I still have a while! Was your first test faint? I tested on 34 cycle day!
December 19, 2008 9:41 AM
RDgirl said...
Congratulations on a wonderful Christmas miracle! I'm so glad your beta is looking better. I was a bit worried too at the first one. What a wonderful present :)
December 20, 2008 11:00 AM
Melody said...
BTW, your little one is due on my birthday !! I just realized that.
December 22, 2008 9:25 PM
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