Being that this was my first cycle on Clomid, I was a little unsure of how long to expect my cycle to be. However, based on the normal days past ovulation that I have before starting my period, I expected that I should start by yesterday, Saturday December 13th. When I woke up Friday morning and took my basal body temperature, I had the highest temperature I've had in 15 cycles of trying to conceive. I was trying my hardest to remain realistic about being pregnant, but couldn't help but feel hopeful. I admitted my thoughts to Jesse later that day and then bought a pregnancy test just in case I needed it. I agreed to not test until the next day, IF my temperature was still high enough.
When I woke up yesterday, I nervously took my temperature and found that it was still really high. This indicated that I would not be starting my period and was now officially late. So, completely scared, I went to the bathroom and took a test.
I forced myself to not look at it, staring away and counting down the 3 minutes to see the results. I only made it to 60 seconds before peeking. I saw clearly the control line on the right and faintly saw a 2nd line on the left. My heart started pounding and I looked away quickly and kept counting.
Meanwhile, I decided to go to the computer and enter in my temperature and then looked at the test again and saw the 2nd line, still really faint. Faint still equals positive, though.
When I woke up yesterday, I nervously took my temperature and found that it was still really high. This indicated that I would not be starting my period and was now officially late. So, completely scared, I went to the bathroom and took a test.
I forced myself to not look at it, staring away and counting down the 3 minutes to see the results. I only made it to 60 seconds before peeking. I saw clearly the control line on the right and faintly saw a 2nd line on the left. My heart started pounding and I looked away quickly and kept counting.
Meanwhile, I decided to go to the computer and enter in my temperature and then looked at the test again and saw the 2nd line, still really faint. Faint still equals positive, though.
(Can you see it?)
My heart was pounding. I couldn't figure out what to do next. I paced around the house trying to figure out what to do. I had previously thought of creative ways to reveal the news to Jesse, but had never expected him to be home sleeping when I found out. And the baby items that I had previously considered using to surprise him were now in the room where my brother-in-law was also sleeping. It was only 6:30am and I didn't want to wake Jesse up if he wasn't going to be coherent. So, I messed around on the computer and then tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't. My mind was wracking with every possible thought- how to tell Jesse, when to tell everyone else, but what bothered me the most were fearful thoughts of miscarrying.
To be honest, I'm absolutely terrified of losing this baby. I feel more fear than joy- mainly because the joy I feel is shrouded in disbelief that I am actually experiencing the fulfillment of an answered prayer. I wonder how much of my fear is shaped by being surrounded by so many other people who have miscarried and how much of it stems from having gone through more than a year of infertility. I hate feeling so much fear and anxiety when I should be rejoicing with all of my heart. So, any time that a fearful thought arises, I remember that just as I had to trust God to do what was in my best interest for the past year, so I have to trust God now in this pregnancy. I have to know that if I do lose this baby, then God has a greater purpose in it. He'll get me through it just as He's gotten me through the past year. It scares me to my core to imagine facing that, but I continually place my fears back in His hands.
Not being able to sleep, though, I got up to watch tv and waited a few hours to tell Jesse the great news. Finally, at 9am, I figured it was okay to wake him up. I climbed into bed and began rubbing his back. He stirred a bit but wasn't awake yet. So I rubbed a little harder and ran my fingers through his hair. Still not waking up, I began to shake him a little bit and finally had to gently say, "Jesse. Jesse. Wake up. I need to tell you something." He mumbled, "Huh? What?" And when I finally thought I had his attention enough, I said, "Jesse, I need to tell you that you are going to be a daddy." This time I knew I had his attention. He asked, "What? Are you serious? You're not joking with me are you? Oh my gosh!" We hugged and kissed and cried.
We were now both fully awake now. So we got up and got dressed. Jesse was so excited. The best way I can describe it is that he looked totally in love. He would just grab me and hug me again and tell me how much he couldn't believe it. At one point, he remarked that everything we have gone through for the past year has been worth it and how he knew that God had brought us to this point.
Throughout the day, I made plans to surprise my mom. She was at work and would be off work around 6pm. So, Jesse and I went to the store. I bought some paper and scrapbooking stickers and made a sign that said, "Maybe it's a girl. Maybe it's a boy. #1 Nana-to-Be. Surprise!!!" Along with that, I bought an arrangement of roses and tied the pregnancy test to it. And then I placed a onesie next to it that said, "Who needs Santa? I've got grandparents."
My heart was pounding. I couldn't figure out what to do next. I paced around the house trying to figure out what to do. I had previously thought of creative ways to reveal the news to Jesse, but had never expected him to be home sleeping when I found out. And the baby items that I had previously considered using to surprise him were now in the room where my brother-in-law was also sleeping. It was only 6:30am and I didn't want to wake Jesse up if he wasn't going to be coherent. So, I messed around on the computer and then tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't. My mind was wracking with every possible thought- how to tell Jesse, when to tell everyone else, but what bothered me the most were fearful thoughts of miscarrying.
To be honest, I'm absolutely terrified of losing this baby. I feel more fear than joy- mainly because the joy I feel is shrouded in disbelief that I am actually experiencing the fulfillment of an answered prayer. I wonder how much of my fear is shaped by being surrounded by so many other people who have miscarried and how much of it stems from having gone through more than a year of infertility. I hate feeling so much fear and anxiety when I should be rejoicing with all of my heart. So, any time that a fearful thought arises, I remember that just as I had to trust God to do what was in my best interest for the past year, so I have to trust God now in this pregnancy. I have to know that if I do lose this baby, then God has a greater purpose in it. He'll get me through it just as He's gotten me through the past year. It scares me to my core to imagine facing that, but I continually place my fears back in His hands.
Not being able to sleep, though, I got up to watch tv and waited a few hours to tell Jesse the great news. Finally, at 9am, I figured it was okay to wake him up. I climbed into bed and began rubbing his back. He stirred a bit but wasn't awake yet. So I rubbed a little harder and ran my fingers through his hair. Still not waking up, I began to shake him a little bit and finally had to gently say, "Jesse. Jesse. Wake up. I need to tell you something." He mumbled, "Huh? What?" And when I finally thought I had his attention enough, I said, "Jesse, I need to tell you that you are going to be a daddy." This time I knew I had his attention. He asked, "What? Are you serious? You're not joking with me are you? Oh my gosh!" We hugged and kissed and cried.
We were now both fully awake now. So we got up and got dressed. Jesse was so excited. The best way I can describe it is that he looked totally in love. He would just grab me and hug me again and tell me how much he couldn't believe it. At one point, he remarked that everything we have gone through for the past year has been worth it and how he knew that God had brought us to this point.
Throughout the day, I made plans to surprise my mom. She was at work and would be off work around 6pm. So, Jesse and I went to the store. I bought some paper and scrapbooking stickers and made a sign that said, "Maybe it's a girl. Maybe it's a boy. #1 Nana-to-Be. Surprise!!!" Along with that, I bought an arrangement of roses and tied the pregnancy test to it. And then I placed a onesie next to it that said, "Who needs Santa? I've got grandparents."
Meanwhile, Jesse and I both told our brothers and he called his dad, and my cousin happened to come over and found out. After picking my mom up from work, I told her that she needed to come inside because we had a surprise for her. She knew that we had been putting up Christmas decor and thought that it was Christmas related. She had no clue. We made her close her eyes. 
(Waiting at the door)
(Waiting at the door)And then I placed her right in front of the stuff and had her open them. She didn't even see the flowers or onesie. 
(Reading the sign)
(Reading the sign)She immediately read the sign and screamed and hugged me and cried happy tears. 
(Looking closer)
(Looking closer)We went out to dinner, where else, but my favorite restaurant Chili's! And then I called some friends and share the news with them.
(Proud Uncle and Nana)
(Proud Parents)
(Month #1)As Jesse and I crawled into bed, we discussed what a crazy day it had been. We had been waiting for this moment for so long and were in shock to finally experience it come about. We then prayed about it, lifting up our tiny baby to God and declaring to trust Him in the process. The truth is that we are both really scared. This morning I took my temperature again and it was lower than before, still within the temp range for post-ovulation but quite a bit lower than I expected. I took another test, hoping to see a darker result, and it was still so faint. I was glad it was positive still, but it wasn't dark enough to ease my mind. I plan to buy some more tests and continue testing throughout the week, hoping the results get darker and darker. And, I should see my doctor by Friday to get my blood test done. My biggest fear is not making it to Friday, but once again I tell myself to put it in God's hands.
And, mixed in with all of that is the intense fear/grief of sharing such news with those of you who are facing infertility for at least one more month during the holiday season. In addition, so many of you have been trying for so much longer than I have. It almost doesn't seem fair. I pondered waiting to tell everyone this until after the holidays are over, but the truth is that I need your prayers and support. I know that no one understands what I am facing more than you guys do. So, I share my news with fear and trepidation, not wanting my good news to take away from the ministry I have through infertility, yet not wanting to stay there.
During church today, we sang a song and a line in it said, "Though we sow in tears, we'll reap in joy." Wrestling with my fears, I realized that all of the tears I've sowed over the past year, that there will come joy in the morning. I want to rest in that joy right now. Tears flowed down as I prayed to God once again. We announced our news to the congregation as a request for prayer. They were overjoyed. They've been praying for us for a long time, and many people have personally invested time into supporting us and praying with us through this whole thing. Then, as my family got together for our weekly meeting after church, each found out about the news and celebrated with hugs and congrats all the way around.
So, as of today, I am 4 weeks, 1 day pregnant. I found out that my baby is the size of a poppy seed.
(Actual size of my baby right now)
And I should be due close to August 22nd. I'll know a bit more when I see my doctor later this week.
Previous Comments
Jim and April said...
congrats!!!
December 14, 2008 7:26 PM
The Baker's said...
Congrats
December 14, 2008 7:37 PM
Marlita said...
Praising God with you both!
December 14, 2008 7:56 PM
Christine said...
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you and Jesse! I wish you guys the best of luck through this miracle.
December 14, 2008 8:07 PM
Kara said...
Romans 12:15 tells us to...Rejoice with those who rejoice! I am praising God with you for your "poppy seed" miracle! How exciting and what a wonderful way to go into the Christmas season! Keep us posted!!!!
December 15, 2008 5:42 AM
I Believe in Miracles said...
Yippee!!!
December 15 2008 7:40 AM
Dave and Elaine said...
Congrats!! How exciting...and just in time for Christmas!
December 15, 2008 8:07 AM
Melanie said...
Congrats girl! I know what you mean when it comes to fear of pregnancy. Been there done that! Just remember that Your in God's hands and your baby also! God bless!
December 15, 2008 8:58 AM
kcmarie122 said...
Yay! That is such great news! I am soooooo happy for you guys! Thank you so much for sharing your news and what you guys did all day! It is nice to be able to live vicariously through others and I couldn't stop smiling as I read your post! Don't be afraid to share! We all deal with things in our own way but I can honestly say I am really really happy for you! I will definitely keep you and your new little one in my prayers!
December 15, 2008 10:22 AM
Shannon said...
I came to your blog to thank you for reading mine and was thrilled to see that you had just announced your BFP! Its a wonderful ray of hope to see a fellow "unexplained IF'er" get a BFP. Congrats to you and your husband! Our God is a wonderful God!
December 15, 2008 12:47 PM
maw82 said...
Congrats! I bet yall are so excited! I cant wait till I get TWO PINK LINES too!!! Praise God! Thanks for sharing your story it was WONDERFUL!
December 15, 2008 1:38 PM
NeNe said...
:) Congrats!!
December 15, 2008 4:26 PM
maw82 said...
Hey girl can I ask you what cycle day you were on when you tested? Do you wait 30 or 35 cycle days on clomid?
December 16, 2008 12:22 PM
Jesus, My Best Friend said...
congrats! your baby is due the day after my birthday. plz pray for me
December 30, 2008 2:35 PM
Previous Comments
Jim and April said...
congrats!!!
December 14, 2008 7:26 PM
The Baker's said...
Congrats
December 14, 2008 7:37 PM
Marlita said...
Praising God with you both!
December 14, 2008 7:56 PM
Christine said...
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you and Jesse! I wish you guys the best of luck through this miracle.
December 14, 2008 8:07 PM
Kara said...
Romans 12:15 tells us to...Rejoice with those who rejoice! I am praising God with you for your "poppy seed" miracle! How exciting and what a wonderful way to go into the Christmas season! Keep us posted!!!!
December 15, 2008 5:42 AM
I Believe in Miracles said...
Yippee!!!
December 15 2008 7:40 AM
Dave and Elaine said...
Congrats!! How exciting...and just in time for Christmas!
December 15, 2008 8:07 AM
Melanie said...
Congrats girl! I know what you mean when it comes to fear of pregnancy. Been there done that! Just remember that Your in God's hands and your baby also! God bless!
December 15, 2008 8:58 AM
kcmarie122 said...
Yay! That is such great news! I am soooooo happy for you guys! Thank you so much for sharing your news and what you guys did all day! It is nice to be able to live vicariously through others and I couldn't stop smiling as I read your post! Don't be afraid to share! We all deal with things in our own way but I can honestly say I am really really happy for you! I will definitely keep you and your new little one in my prayers!
December 15, 2008 10:22 AM
Shannon said...
I came to your blog to thank you for reading mine and was thrilled to see that you had just announced your BFP! Its a wonderful ray of hope to see a fellow "unexplained IF'er" get a BFP. Congrats to you and your husband! Our God is a wonderful God!
December 15, 2008 12:47 PM
maw82 said...
Congrats! I bet yall are so excited! I cant wait till I get TWO PINK LINES too!!! Praise God! Thanks for sharing your story it was WONDERFUL!
December 15, 2008 1:38 PM
NeNe said...
:) Congrats!!
December 15, 2008 4:26 PM
maw82 said...
Hey girl can I ask you what cycle day you were on when you tested? Do you wait 30 or 35 cycle days on clomid?
December 16, 2008 12:22 PM
Jesus, My Best Friend said...
congrats! your baby is due the day after my birthday. plz pray for me
December 30, 2008 2:35 PM
No comments:
Post a Comment