Apparently... (Part 1)

...I finally look pregnant now.



At least that's what a co-worker told me yesterday. She said I didn't look pregnant at all before, but just from last week to this week have noticeably changed. It's a weird thing to hear when you are 30 weeks pregnant that this is the first time you've actually LOOKED pregnant in the last 7 1/2 months. I took the comment with a grain of salt, responding that I get a lot of mixed comments from people. Some told me at 15 weeks that I had gotten so big and others told me at 25 weeks that I was just beginning to show. According to the tape measure, I gained 3 inches in my waistline in the first trimester and am now up to a total of 8 additional inches by 30 weeks. How big do these people think I was before I got pregnant?! Eight inches isn't very easy to hide or just blow off as fat. At least I thought... Eh, it doesn't matter. I've had strangers noticing for months. Everyone just has a different perspective, I guess.

Oh, and just to show you the progress in the recent months, here's a series of pictures of my growth (hopefully it's easy enough to see because it's looking pretty small, but they are from March, April, May, and June) :



In other news, I guess the biggest thing on my mind is in relation to our careers and income. I've mentioned multiple times that we were trying to figure things out, but the timeline is closing in on us and there are some new developments that throw a wrench into it all.

To start with, my original idea was to do in-home daycare so that I could make an income while staying home with Josiah. I have been tossing around this idea for the past several years and had actually applied to be a nanny when I got my job at the hospital. There were several factors about it that made me uncertain about officially going for it, so I opted for the more secure income instead. Well, I was talking to a girl from church, Claire, who currently has a 5 month old daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son. She was asking my plans for after I have the baby (a question I am now sick of hearing from people) and when I gave her a few possibilities, she said, "You should start your own in-home daycare." I told her I had considered it and she said that I would be able to watch her two kids for sure. In fact, her current daycare provider was quitting in the fall to go back to school, so the timing of it all would be perfectly coinciding with the birth of my baby. That was just the push I needed to seriously consider it, so I began doing research into getting certified and the legal requirements, etc. I also began considering what other clients I could also take on to make enough income.

When I brought this up to my best friend, Jolyn, she said that I could for sure watch her 1 year old daughter (Katelyn) too. It all seemed to be falling into place perfectly. I just needed one more kid or so and I'd have the income I'd need (or prefer, at least). Well, a couple of months ago, Katelyn got really sick and needed to undergo a lot of testing. So, Jolyn quit her job to stay home and be with Katelyn. She still needed the income, though, so she decided to do her own in-home daycare. Even though this took away a major client from me, I was happy for Jolyn. It was the best scenario for their family, and I thought it was a great opportunity for her. I was a little worried, though, about losing that part of my own income. So, I went back to Claire and asked, "Do you for sure still want to use me?" Claire said she did, but that her current provider was actually quitting early and she needed someone to watch her kids during the summer before I would be ready. Therefore, I mentioned that Jolyn was just beginning her own daycare and that she could watch the kids until I was ready. Jolyn and Claire distantly know each other. Jolyn's sister-in-law is married to Claire's husband's cousin. Confusing, huh? Jolyn also used to go to my church years ago, and her grandma still attends, so Claire knows of Jolyn, but I don't know that they'd really interacted before this.

So, I talked to the two of them, helping them get connected. Meanwhile, I was looking forward to the future, and I was feeling a little bad about getting Jolyn set up with this client only to take them away from her in a matter of months. So, Jolyn and I discussed doing the daycare together, allowing us to watch more kids although we wouldn't be making quite as much money per kid.

When Claire met with Jolyn, Jolyn called me to fill me in on some details of the hours and amount of money we'd be making with Claire's kids. I had a few questions on some of the details, so i brought it up to Claire the next time we were at church. She answered really briefly, but then just blew me off saying she would discuss it more with Jolyn herself. I don't think she meant anything against me, but the reason I was asking was because it all affects me too- not just Jolyn. Well, as time went on, every time Claire talked about Jolyn doing daycare, she just went on and on about how much she loved it. She immediately fell in love with Jolyn's house. She thought the setup was fantastic. She loves their closed in front and back yards. She loves the size of their backyard. She loves that Jolyn already has a lot of toys and things for the kids to play with. She just goes on and on about how much her son loves playing there. I thought I was being a little paranoid about the whole thing, but when I mentioned it to Jolyn, Jolyn agreed. She added that everytime she mentioned to Claire that the daycare would eventually involve both her and me, Claire seemed confused or would just blow it off. Without ever having seen my house, it seems that Claire is set only on Jolyn doing the daycare. And, even though she says that whatever we work out is fine with her, I feel like I'm kinda getting screwed over in the end.

So, being very discouraged, I began looking at other options for income. I'll try to sum up the rest of it briefly because I realize this is getting long...

My next choice was becoming an event coordinator (or party planner). I'm very creative and have done LOTS of parties in the past for friends and family members. I know that I have the skills to do it, and I figured it would allow me to work from home and make my own schedule while still earning money. I began designing my own website, made plans to get business cards, and was figuring out ways to advertise. The only glitch in this idea is that it is 100% dependent on clients. I only work when people hire me. Of course, the more I advertise myself, the more chances I have of being hired. But it could be feast or famine. I'm trying to get the business started now, though, so that I can build it up a little more before officially quitting my job. And I've considered doing this alongside the daycare until it builds up enough to do it exclusively. It's just not guaranteed pay and that's why I can't commit to it yet.

Just in case you are wondering, yes, continuing to work at my job (full-time or part-time) is still an option for income as well. But I HATE the idea of having a newborn baby and missing out on all of that time with him while I work. I also would be paying for childcare (probably to Jolyn) for any amount of time I am gone. And paying someone else to do what I want to be doing myself is a difficult concept. And then, when I consider part-time work, the truth is that I'd be paying more for medical benefits and gas and childcare in addition to only making half as much as I make now. It's really not even worth it. And, if I did daycare myself on the side while working part-time, it doesn't really work either because the clients I would have need me all day.

Then, as if all of this wasn't confusing enough, Jesse decided that he wants to go back to school. Now, he did one year of college in 2005 which was the cause of our initial break-up. He got into the whole partying scene and pushed God, and consequently me, away. We were already talking about getting married at that point, and I was devestated. But, long story short, I never quit praying for him, he got right with God, came home from school, and 16 months after our break-up, we got back together. We got engaged a month later and married 4 1/2 months later. And, FYI, we're happily celebrating our 2 year anniversary on June 30th! But, aside from all of that, when he came home from school, he just got into industrial labor jobs here in town. They seem to suit him well at 6'3" and 300 lbs. The kid is just 100% football player! So, it's easy for him to operate machinary and pick up 100's of lbs of material. And, while he likes his job right now, he feels that his future possibilities are limited in this area of work. He sees the guys in the shop who have been there for over 30 years and he doesn't want to be one of them.

For this reason, I wholeheartedly support his decision to go back to school. I feel like he needs it in order to feel like he's accomplishing something. And I think that the doors it opens for him will be very beneficial to our family. So, he contacted a local trade school about attending there and getting his associates degree in business. He was just trying to get the ball rolling, but we didn't realize it would pick up with full speed. Because of the nature of the school, he could start classes as soon as September and take evening classes, graduating with his degree by December 2010. He found this out yesterday at his meeting with an advisor. And, while trying to be as supportive as possible, I freaked out. This timeline of school would mean that he'd be working 30-40 hours a week (sometime between 6 or 7 am and 2-4 pm) and then going to school from 5 pm to 10 pm. Four days a week, I wouldn't see him for about 16 hours in a day. And, of course, by the time he got home, he'd need to go to bed to get up early the next morning. And, to top it all off, I'd be left alone with a newborn baby (who he'd never see) for the first 15 months of our baby's life. I was trying SO HARD to not be negative, but I couldn't help the tears from flowing down my cheecks. I know how hard he is trying to make life better for us as a family. I know that the whole scenario is temporary. I know that it tears him up inside to imagine missing out on that part of our lives too, but that he feels he needs to do it for the sake of our family. I know that it's what he needs to accomplish his own goals for his life. And it's something I really want him to do. I wanted more than anything to be happy and supportive for him. But I felt like my whole stomach was tied in knots. I just didn't expect it to be at this expense!

I told him, though, that as scary as it all was, I believe that God purposed us to have THIS baby at THIS specific time in our lives. And I don't believe that He would give us a baby and then leave us out to dry, not being able to make ends meet at all. And, I also said that even though it's what I want to do the absolute least, I could stay working full time to help us make enough money for him to go to school. He was still really stressed. No joking, he actually googled, "How to work 30 hours a week, go to school full time, and raise a newborn baby". I hated seeing him all upset about it all. So, I offered to massage his back and feet. He almost wouldn't let me. He said it didn't seem right letting his 7 1/2 month pregnant wife give HIM a massage, but I wanted to. So, he climbed into bed and I rubbed his back and then massaged both his feet. He relaxed so much that he started to fall asleep right then and there. When I was done, we cuddled up next to each other and, before going to bed, prayed about the whole situation, giving it to God.

By this morning, Jesse said that there was another option of him beginning school in November rather than September, and that it was sounding like a better option allowing him to get a little settled into life with a new baby rather than taking off for school when Josiah is only 1 week old. He was going to call the advisor today and discuss this option with her instead. We also discussed the possibility of going to school part-time and just extending the length of the entire degree program. This would allow him to be home more often, at least.

So, I sat down today and ran over a lot of different scenarios as far as which jobs I could work, how much I'd get paid at each job, how many hours Jesse could work, and how much money we'd have left over after paying all of our bills. The numbers are still iffy and quite scary, but I felt better having something on paper. Then Jesse called me and said he talked to his advisor. He was really feeling like there was no way he could work and go to school full-time. But, the advisor told him that he could definitely go part-time too. Right now, he believes that he would work 40 hours a week like normal, and then he'd either have the option of going to school 4 nights a week from 5:30-7ish or 2 nights a week from 5:30-10:40. We're both leaning towards the option of 2 nights a week. Even though it would mean not seeing him at all those days, he'd be home by 4:30 every other day and home on weekends too. That's a much more significant amount of time than 2-3 hours a night. He also has fully decided that he will not begin school in September, but will start in November IF he goes to this school. And the other option is that he could go to the community college instead, which would most likely be cheaper and have a more flexible schedule. It made us both feel that things were at least a little more possible. So, I've encouraged him to go ahead with his aptitude testing and plan to attend school in November, but to keep the community college as a likely alternative.

*** Deep Breath ***

Well, I think that I should end this post here. I've got to do some work-related stuff now, and I've got a lot more to say without wanting to completely overwhelm everyone. I'll be back this afternoon to post about the rest.