Disappointing

I had my 38-week doctor's appointment yesterday. I've never left so disappointed and defeated as I did yesterday.

To recap, at my last appointment, I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which Dr. York said was progress, but not significant enough to think I'd be going into labor in the next week. She was concerned about Josiah still being in a floating state and said that we wanted him to drop in the real near future because of the risks involved otherwise. She discussed the possibility of scheduling a c-section if he was not engaged in my pelvic bones soon. And, while she expressed that this wasn't something to worry about, she said that we did need to pay special attention to it and hope that he dropped soon or that we'd need to make plans for intervention. She encouraged me to use a yoga ball to help the baby drop into place, and said that she would FOR SURE check me the next week to see what progress had been made. I've been using the yoga ball for a few hours everyday since Sunday. I noticed an immediate affect on my body. It seemed as if the baby dropped immediately. Before he sat very high up with his butt and feet resting right below my breasts. Seriously, he'd kick me and my boob would move! It was like a shelf coming out of my rib cage. And my very lower belly was all soft and squishy still. After the first day of using the ball, I noticed that rather than having this shelf at my rib cage, my belly now slanted down quite a bit and left a lot of space below my breasts. And my soft, squishy lower belly was now full. I didn't have a lot of pelvic pressure, which I expected, so I wasn't sure if it was possible for the baby to drop without being full engaged. This was what I was waiting to find out at my next appointment. Was it enough to make a difference? Would we have to change plans and schedule a c-section or would it be enough to determine to move forward with a natural birth? Furthermore, on Monday (**WARNING** TMI coming your way!) it seemed as if I lost my mucus plug, which means that your cervix IS dilating and is a sign that your body is getting ready for labor. So, with the baby dropping and the loss of that, I was hoping that I'd find out for sure about a c-section or natural birth, and that I'd have made some progress in being dilated/effaced.

At my appointment, to start with, I gained 3 lbs in the past week. I was shocked. The nurse asked if I'd been having any swelling. I said, "Well, yeah, but not any more than I already was having." Then I told her that maybe all those weeks of gaining no weight were catching up on me. She had me go down to the bathroom to do my pee test, and when I came back I said, "You know, I actually have been drinking A LOT of water lately." (I said this because she mentioned last week that the weight gain- or lack of- was more related to water retention than anything else.) I told her that during the past week, I had been drinking an average of 68+ ounces of water a day. If you drink the recommended 8 glasses of water like people normally say, you'd be getting 64 ounces in a day. So I was even surpassing that. I'm not really sure why. I've NEVER been a water drinker. If I'm going to consume a beverage, I want it to be something flavorful that I enjoy. So, while I watched how much caffeine I've been consuming during this pregnancy, I never stopped drinking soda or anything like that. I went from not drinking a single glass of water a day to drinking more than 8 in a day. I just started to crave it! When I relayed this to the nurse, she wholeheartedly agreed that it was the cause of the sudden weight gain. I can rationalize that weight gain is important and healthy during pregnancy. I know that drinking water is good for me and my baby too. But seeing 3 pounds more on that scale made me 2nd guess my glass of water back in the car.

Then, after having my urine and blood pressure checked, I stripped down to have my cervix checked since Dr. York said I HAD to this week. Upon examination, my belly measured at 37 cm, 1 week less than what I should be. This was another disappointment. During the middle of my pregnancy, I was always 1-2 cm bigger than I was supposed to be. Then, it leveled out and I started measuring right on at every appointment. This week was the first that I went a step backwards and measured 1 cm less than I should've. Of course, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong. It's still within normal range and could very easily be contributed to the baby moving positions, but it still felt like regression rather than progression! Josiah's heartrate was still good. I guess that's one thing that turned out just like it should. He's been a good boy so far!

Then Dr. York went to check my cervix. She had a really hard time figuring out how dilated I was and even commented, "I know I was able to poke through last week. It shouldn've have closed up on us." Closed up?! Why would it go backwards?! So, assuming that she was able to find some tiny little opening, she declared it still as 1 cm. When I asked her about effacement, she said that it was still pretty thick and tough, but she'd say that I'm about 50% effaced. So, both were the exact same as last week, although it seemed like she was really stretching to apply those numbers to it.

Then she said that while Josiah was lower than before, he was still slightly "floaty", but quickly added that we had "plenty of time" for him to drop down and everything be okay. Plenty of time?!!?! I thought that this was a major concern and we needed to be watching it closely. That's what she said when I had 18 days left until my due date. As of yesterday, I had 12, and 12 equalled plenty?! I just sat there utterly confused and shocked! I even said, "I'm just kinda confused because last week you expressed concern about it (not worry) and said that this was something we needed to watch closely, and this week you talk like it's no big deal." She replied that there still is SOME concern about it, and that we do need to watch it, and that she needed to tell me last week so that I wouldn't be shocked it that's the direction we had to go, but that she didn't want to put too much emphasis on it either as she doesn't want me to worry. I told her that I'm not worried either way. I just thought that there isn't much time left, and I wasn't sure how long she would wait for him to drop before deciding to intervene. She said that she'd probably let him go all the way up until his due date before deciding to do a c-section instead. She added that at this point, he seems "good sized" but not necessarily big. So, as long as we still believed that he was small enough to fit into my pelvic bones, we could give him time to drop. And then she added that if I DID go into labor this week, at least the contractions would help push him down and that was a good thing. I asked her then if there was any concern of a prolapsed cord if I went into labor on my own and he wasn't dropped. She said that if my water broke by itself, like with anyone, they ALWAYS have you go into the hospital and check on the baby. But that the chances weren't very likely that it'd happen, and if it did, because it would be on my own, it would probably be okay. On the other hand, if she broke my water for me, it could be a very dangerous thing.

In the end, she said that I could go into labor this week and that she'd be "thinking good thoughts" for me to, but otherwise she would see me next Friday.

She left the office and I just sat there dazed and confused. I felt like I didn't make any progress at all. In fact, I felt like I took several steps backwards. Between being a cm behind on my fundal height measurement, still 1 cm dilated (with that even being a stretch because she really talked like it was almost closed up), still 50% effaced (which she told me last week didn't mean very much), and feeling like I didn't get any answers about the progress of the baby dropping (saying that he'd dropped but not enough, but that we had plenty of time when before it needed to happen soon), I felt like I made no progress at all!

I'm not dying to get this baby out of me. I feel more physically comfortable now than I did 3-4 months ago. The weeks haven't been dragging on and I don't feel miserable. But I'm getting excited to meet my baby. I feel like there's no reason to wait any more. And, when I'm really honest with myself, there's a bit of jealousy that arises when I think about how it seems like everyone else around me who is also due now is so much closer to having their baby (or ALREADY had their baby). The biggest struggle I have seems to be with another couple from our church- two teenagers who are expecting their baby 1 week before me. It's not easy being 8 years older than this teenage girl and watching her experience everything in her pregnancy just weeks before me after I went through so much to get to this point. It's hard listening to them discuss their plans (or lack of) for raising their baby, and in the end, I know that my jealousy stems from believing they aren't "worthy" to be having a baby when I know SO MANY other people who'd give anything to be where they are. And, as we're getting so close to our due dates, this girl is now 3 cm dilated and the baby is completely dropped, and they're expecting their baby to come any day (although it's been nearly 2 weeks with no change) while I feel like I'm still more than a week away. And, yet, I know that you can go from 0-10 in one day or stay at 4 cm for weeks. There's no real proof of anything. So, being upset about where I'm at (vs. where they are at) is petty, but it's how I feel. And the hormones aren't helping any!

Last night, I just layed in bed with Jesse and cried. I can look at the whole situation and rationalize it out. I can tell you with certainty that even if I have to wait until the last ultimate day (a week past my due date) to have this baby, I'm still only waiting 17 days. That's not all that long. And I can tell you that I shouldn't be so impatient about still being pregnant when I worked so hard to get to this point, am having a great pregnancy, and so many other people are still waiting just to be where I am. I also was thinking about how Jesse and I only have 11 more days as "just the two of us". After that, it's 18+ years before it's "just us" again. I don't want to wish these days away. My disappointment simply lies in feeling like I didn't get any answers I was looking for, and left feeling further away from my goal than I thought I'd be. And, yet, I feel like I don't have any right to truly feel so disappointed. UGH!

I guess that I just need to suck it up and let it be what it is. I can't make my body dilate more. I can't make the baby drop to where he's supposed to be. I certainly can't control when he decides to come or when anyone else has their baby. I've always just wanted to have answers. And, God has shown me time and time again in my life that He refuses to give me the exact answers I am looking for. I could've gone through all of the infertility, as long as it needed to take, if SOMEONE could've just told me that I would for sure get pregnant and (preferably) when! Instead, God just kept telling me that I needed to trust in Him. I needed to believe that He knew what He was doing even if I didn't. I'm already taking a leap of faith with quitting my job (today) and beginning daycare in the upcoming weeks. So, I guess this is one more leap of faith in believing that He already has it worked out in His timing. I have to be honest and say that I don't really like leaping, but sitting here dwelling in my disappointment isn't all that productive either.