Surrendering My Mixed Emotions

I hope that my last blog entry didn't rub people the wrong way. I have tried REALLY hard to never complain about my pregnancy. I know what it took for me to get to this point, and I know that MANY people go through SO MUCH more to get to the same point. Even more than that, I know that a lot of people are still waiting to be here. So, I've set out from the very beginning to do nothing but celebrate this pregnancy. I have aches and pains. I have thrown up every morning for 200 days straight. I get tired. I get emotional. But EVERY little bit of it is worth it. And I've tried to keep that as the focus of my mind no matter what.

The reason why my doctor's appointment was so difficult was because of the extreme mix of emotions that it caused. I wasn't as upset by the lack of progress, as I was by the seeming regression. I wasn't looking for Dr. York to decide to do a c-section instead. I wasn't looking for her to say that everything was perfect to move along naturally. I wasn't expecting a specific answer. I was just expecting ANY answer! But, at the same time, I'm not uncomfortable. I'm not wanting to wish away the days that Jesse and I have left as just the two of us. I am SO THANKFUL that Josiah remains perfectly healthy. He moves around constantly and his heartrate has always been perfect. I have had a perfect pregnancy this entire time.

At this point, Dr. York has said that I will for sure have the baby by August 31st, as she is going out of town the 1st of September. At my last appointment, she said that she would give me until my due date (of the 25th) before deciding to intervene. Hopefully, by then, he'd either be dropped into position or we'd know that it's just not going to happen for whatever reason (possibly because he's too big or in an awkward position). And, then depending on what he's doing, we'll plan accordingly. If I went all of the way to the last possible day, I have exactly 2 weeks. That means that in no more than 14 days, I will hold my baby boy in my arms! And, I doubt that Dr. York would make me wait until the 31st to be induced or have a c-section since she'll probably want to have some time to come back and check on us before she goes out of town. So, it's quite likely sooner than that. When I think of it in those terms, I am blown away. My nights have been filled with dreams of going into labor and being admitted to the hospital. I couldn't believe when I left church yesterday that there was a strong possibility that I may not be there next week because I could be having my baby. I walked into Josiah's room the other night to put something away, and it hit me that this room wasn't going to be empty that much longer.

I guess my concern at this point is going all the way to my due date or later only to find out that we have to intervene anyways. Dr. York said that going into labor could actually help, as my contractions would help push him down. I do think that I've been having contractions, but they are so sporadic and so mild that it doesn't seem to be significant enough. And, contractions are usually what make you dilate more, so I'm assuming I'm not making any progress there either. Furthermore, Josiah still seems to be sitting very high, and even after using the yoga ball for another 4 days since my last appointment (and a total of 8 days), there doesn't seem to be any change in his position (except for the initial drop, which wasn't complete). According to most sources, the baby should've already dropped by week 38 (or sooner) in your first pregnancy. I'll be 39 weeks tomorrow. I think that if he did drop completely, everything would happen really quickly, but my concern is that none of the factors to promote labor are falling into place. And, my bigger concern is that there is some reason that is preventing this.

But, as I said before, I can't MAKE anything happen. And, SOMETHING is going to happen in just a matter of days. So, I'm trying to just allow myself to be where I am and not become impatient. I'm now done working, and am spending my free minutes (with as much energy as I have) to scrub and organize every square inch of my house. At least then everything will be ready no matter when it happens.

In the meanwhile, my next appointment is in 4 days- Friday. And Friday is only 4 days from my due date. So, I'm hoping (without being disappointed) that I will find out then what the plan will be. So, chances are that if you hear from me before Friday, I'm having my baby. And otherwise, Friday will give us some more insight. And, if all else falls through, I'll have my baby two weeks from today...

I think I can handle that.

Who do you think he's going to look like?