39 weeks, 3 days

I haven't had my appointment yet today, so I don't have any new direction as far as my progression or dates set for any interventions, etc. As far as my own personal self-diagnosis goes, it seems that Josiah has shifted positions again, and rather than having his back right down the middle of my stomach, he keeps leaning over and is positioned more on my left side. He easily shifts back and forth, which says to me that he is not locked into my pelvis yet. I have to wait and see what Dr. York says, though. I just want an answer. ANY answer. I just want to know that everything is fine and we'll proceed like normal. I just want to know that if he doesn't come on his own by a specific date, then we'll intervene instead. I just want to know that he's not moved down enough and that we have to intervene no matter what. It doesn't matter which of the three. I just want to know. (Have you figured that out about me yet? I'm a planner!)

I've been having more aches and pains (possible contractions). I would describe them as 3 different types of pains. One is in my very lower stomach and feels more like menstrual cramps. When they come on really suddenly, they feel like intense gas pains where you feel like you need to run to the bathroom RIGHT NOW! But then it passes and you're okay again. The 2nd type isn't actually a pain, but a really hard tightening in my upper stomach, between my belly button and my boobs. It almost feels like the baby stretching really far, but it's not a kick or roll. Instead everything just gets really tight. The 3rd type is a dull pain in my lower back, although it sometimes stretches up higher in my back. Some of these are not pains that come and go, but feel more constant when I have them, and definitely are not time-able yet. However, because I was having trouble knowing if I was having contractions or not, I looked up what they felt like and other people described the same pains. So, I figure they are types of contractions.

While they don't feel very good, they make me feel like my body is at least trying to do something. This morning, though, I was in A LOT of pain. I think right now it is more attributed to severe constipation. Every time I try to go to the bathroom, I have extreme stomach cramps and back pain, even more intense than the cramps I feel otherwise. After going to the bathroom this morning (causing the worst pain I've been in so far), and then throwing up like every morning), I could barely stand up straight in the shower. So, my mom- my hero- brought over a softener that I'm hoping will help. Yeah, this is the not-so-glamorous part of pregnancy!

In the meanwhile, I've been cleaning every square inch of my house and doing what I can to get ready for his impending arrival. I spent all day Monday and Tuesday cleaning everything I could. I did all of the laundry, all of the dishes, and picked up everything around the house, organizing as much as I could. Then, on Wednesday, my mom and brother came over and shampooed our carpets and mopped the floors. I don't think our house can get any cleaner than this! Jesse said last night that it just feels like we're waiting to bring our baby home, which is essentially true!

He, by the way, is getting VERY excited. He's been talking to my belly more each day and comes home everyday wanting to know if there's been any progress. I catch him just smiling sometimes, and when I ask him why, he says, "We're having a baby really soon!" I think that's part of why God gives us 10 months for the baby to develop. Before, Jesse was more okay with the idea of having a baby, or okay with me being pregnant, but the "baby" part of it was a little more overwhelming. Or, he'd be fine thinking about the baby, but would get stressed out about the logistics of it all- how he would provide for a baby, especially if I stayed home. The closer we get to our due date, the more excited he is about actually meeting his son. We were discussing last night how we spent over a year just trying to get pregnant. Then we've spent almost a year just being pregnant. And now, we're facing the end of it all- what it's really all been about. It's easy, during infertility, to spend so much focus on GETTING pregnant that you don't think too much about the baby afterwards. But, we're now approaching the "afterwards" where the baby will be here in just a matter of days. We're VERY ready for it.

This week has also been my first week not working. It's been odd staying home everyday, although it's something I've always wanted to do. I feel like I've made the right decision for us as a family, for me emotionally, and for Josiah as he grows up. But I do still worry about our income. I have one client for sure, my mom's co-worker who is due a week after me. But I don't think I'll be watching her baby until October. The girl I previously met on Craigslist (with all of the crazy coincidences) is still up in the air. Her baby was only going to be here 3 days a week, 5 hours a day at the most. But, last time I talked to her, she was having a hard time figuring out how to say goodbye to her previous care provider. I haven't heard anything since then. The last client I had fell through completely. I tried reposting my ad on Craigslist and received NO responses this time. In the meanwhile, we're looked into reducing many of our bills. We already lowered our cell phones. And, while we feel like they are necessities right now, we could get rid of them completely. We can lower our cable and internet bill easily. We've gotten some information on lowering our mortgage bill too. I've set up lower payments on my student loans. We're still trying to sell Jesse's gas-guzzling truck so that he can get a more economic car for work and we can use the extra money for our house. And, within a month or 2, all of our doctor's bills should be paid off! So, there's room to adjust things. We just don't know how much my lack of work and a new baby are going to change things.

In final news, the teenage couple from my church is having their baby today. In fact, as I type this, they were supposed to be admitted to the hospital a half hour ago to be induced. The girl was due 2 days ago and hasn't progressed past 3 cm in 3 weeks now. Furthermore, she's a tiny little girl who wore a size 00 before getting pregnant. So, they don't want the baby to get too big. I plan on calling them later today to see where they are at, but the baby might be born too late tonight to visit them.

I'll write more after my appointment. Hopefully we'll have more news then...