The Hard Days

I'm still working on writing the blog to describe the birth of Josiah and the events of the past 11 days (I can't believe it's gone by so fast!), but I wanted to write this right now.

Today has been a tough day. Most days have been going well, but today has been really hard. I'll go into more detail later, but between difficulty in breastfeeding and trying to pump and getting Josiah to sleep in his own crib, I only slept for 1 hour at a time last night, for an accumulative of 3 hours by the time that 6:00 am rolled around. Between 6 and 9, I got another 3 hours, but that's where it stopped. By noon, I hadn't showered. I hadn't had anything to eat. I hadn't had anything to drink. And I barely had any sleep. I was lying in bed with Josiah and couldn't get him to stay settled long enough for me to get any rest. He kept dropping his pacifier until the pacifier wouldn't satisfy him any more, and with no more rest, I had to drag myself out of bed to feed him once again. It was one of those moments that, in complete desperation, you literally say a prayer and ask God to please make your baby hold on to his pacifier or sleep or something! I was so angry, but I couldn't be mad at this precious little baby in my arms. He is my answer to prayers, even in the hardest moments, and he has no idea how difficult he is being for me. He's just responding to his environment. So I held him closely feeding him and just cried. Tears pouring down my cheeks. I finally composed myself, laid him down as he slept, and began doing ome things that I needed to do (like making lunch). About an hour later, as he was lying in his boppy pillow, he pulled his arm up and, in turn, pulled the blanket over his face. So, I reached over and pulled the blanket down from his face only to find the biggest grin across his face. I don't care that he was sleeping. I don't care that it was probably just gas and didn't mean anything. It brought a huge smile across my face. For me, it meant the world. I went through a lot to get here and it was all for this little boy.