Pumpkins!

I have never celebrated Halloween. In fact, I hate everything about Halloween, but I LOVE Autumn!!! I love the leaves changing colors and falling from the trees. I love the crisp cool air and snuggling up in my jeans and hoodie. I love the pumpkin patch and hayrides and Thanksgiving and anticipating Christmas. I love Jesse's birthday and my birthday and my mom's birthday all rolled up in one amazing month. And, while I do not celebrate Halloween at all, last year was the first year I ever carved a pumpkin. My family decided to do it all together... with a twist! We were going to carve out a scene that depicted what God was currently teaching us.

For me, I had already gone through 11 months of trying to conceive, with my lowest of lows. And, it was just about the end of September/beginning of October that I came across Angie's blog. The short story (as short as I possibly can!) is that Angie was 20 weeks pregnant with her 4th daughter when she found out that her baby had severe physical defects and would not live very long. Her immediate response was "My Jesus is the same now as He was when I walked into this room." I was floored by her faith. In the following months she grappled with how to carry a child to birth while she grieved their impending death. On a trip to Ireland? she was struck by the beauty all around her. So she asked her friend, a local in that area, why the grass was so green. He laughed and responded that it was because of the rain. God began to speak to Angie and reminded her that it was because of the rain that the beauty sprung, just like in her life. She remembered the lyrics of a song by MercyMe that says, "Bring me joy, bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings you glory. I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus, bring the rain." So she prayed right then and there and told God that she accepted whatever rain He was going to bring.

I sobbed as I read her story. I had been through the biggest storm of my life just a few years earlier when I lost the love of my life. I knew Jesse was the one that God had for me to marry and when he walked away from me, my heart was broken. For 16 months, I cried out to God and held on tight to Him. He was my strong tower when my world was crumbling beneath my feet. And God answered my prayers and fulfilled His words to me by bringing my husband back to me. It was during that time that I learned how to praise God in the storm. (By the way, if you don't know that song "Praise You in the Storm", you need to hear it, especially if you are struggling through something awful. ) I could praise Him through the hardest circumstances because I knew that He was worthy and that He was doing something in the midst of it, but summoning Him to bring the rain was something VERY different. I knew what the rain entailed and how painful it was. I wasn't ready to ask God to bring it into my life. But through Angie's story, God began to speak to me even more.

First of all, in those lyrics it said, "if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain". How could I walk away from something that should drive me to worship? I knew He is worthy of my praise NO MATTER WHAT, so I could say that something wasn't worth it if that's what I needed to praise Him. Furthermore, I learned that while my measly blog had been viewed 50 times, Angie's blog had been viewed more than 50,000 times. And, while I had only had a handful of people from different states read my blog, her's had been read by someone in every one of the 50 states AND 90 countries!!! Her story- my worst nightmare- was changing the world and bringing people to God. It was then that I decided, if God wanted to use my infertility to reach other people or to draw me closer to Him, both were worth my pain rain. So, I prayed, with tears streaming down my face, trembling, and asked God to bring the rain. I determined then and there that my infertility would be used as a ministry to those around me. The whole tone of my blog changed, as I spoke less about my pain and more about what God was doing in the midst of it. Every chance I've had in the past year, I've told people my story, praying that it brings God's glory. My infertility was not something I was ever ashamed of. Instead, it became something to share with others in order to proclaim God's power.

And a few weeks later, in response to that life lesson, I carved this pumpkin: a picture of surrender, throwing down the umbrella and raising your hands in worship as the rain pours.

I had no idea that one year later, I'd be holding my baby in my arms, having been through the rain and living in the rainbow on the other side. So, keeping with my newfound tradition, this year I carved pictures of what God is currently teaching us.

Jesse and I have been talking a lot about being a Godly example for our children. We want to teach them to love and worship Him and we know that we have to live it out in our lives first. We've prayed nearly every night over Josiah since the day I found out I was pregnant. We still do every night. Although he doesn't understand yet what we are saying or who God is, in our understanding, we pray that God reveals Himself to him. I pray that God speaks to him while he sleeps. I pray that he will be a little boy who prays and seeks God in his own life. I pray that someday be a Godly husband who loves his wife and puts her before himself. And, it starts with Jesse and I teaching him to listen to God's voice. It starts with us praying and seeking God in our lives. And it starts with us loving each other in example to him.

There is a song that says:

Lord, I want to be just like You
‘Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
I want to be just like You
‘Cause he wants to be like me

Got to admit I’ve got so far to go

Make so many mistakes and I’m sure that You know
Sometimes it seems no matter how hard I try
With all the pressures in life I just can’t get it all right
But I’m trying so hard to learn from the best
Being patient and kind, filled with Your tenderness
‘Cause I know that he’ll learn from the things that he sees
And the Jesus he finds will be the Jesus in me
Right now from where he stands I may seem mighty tall
But it’s only ’cause I’m learning from the best Father of them all

So, based on that, I carved a picture of Josiah's feet,

with the phrase, "Follow me as I follow Him".

Then, on another pumpkin, I carved a picture of Josiah's face,

with the phrase, "For this child I prayed".

And, on the last pumpkin, a tiny little one, I carved Josiah's name.

All of my pumpkins together.

I look forward to seeing what God is going to do in this next year, and how my pumpkins will look then... :-)