Spiritual Warfare

I wish I kept up with this blog a lot better. I have so much to write about on a regular basis, but find myself simply TOO BUSY! My days lately have been filled with daycare, daycare, and more daycare! At least my business is up and running, huh?!

Josiah turns 9 months old on Saturday and has his wellness check on Monday, so I will have lots to share about his development. Right now, though, I wanted to share about some other stuff going on in our lives.

Being that I only update this blog about once a month, I don't usually share a lot of personal stuff about my struggles. I hesitate to share too much about any fight I have with Jesse or problems with friends because things change so frequently. Especially if I share only one side of the story, or you only hear the negative things, people tend to get a skewed perspective of reality. This, however, is a really big deal to me, and something I would love to have prayer warriors supporting me on, so I'm bearing my soul so that God can do something big out of this.

A few weeks ago, I began going through the book, "Power of a Praying Wife" with my cousins. I was really excited to begin the study, as I felt it was something that would benefit our marriage a lot. I really feel that God is getting ready to do some big things in our marriage and that He put this in my life at exactly the time I would need it most. However, I also think that when God wants to do something really big, Satan is going to attack you- especially in matters of marriage since marriage is designed by God to reflect His own love for us.

I was expecting it.

But it's hit me harder than I even imagined, and it's in complete tears that I write this post.

The first 2 weeks I focused on chapter one, in which the book teaches to pray for your husbands wife- YOU! This is because when you begin to ask God to change your husband, He's likely to begin changing you first. I was going to explain each topic, but I realized that the chapter ends with a prayer, and that the parts I highlighted are a pretty good summary of it all. The preceding chapter only serves to explain WHY it's important to pray these things. So, here's what I highlighted:

"Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them unto kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things.... Make me my husband's helpmate, companion, friend, and support. Help me to create a peaceful, restful, safe place for him to come home to. Teach me to take care of myself and stay attractive to him... Make me the kind of woman he can be proud to say is his wife... I release my husband form the burden of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You... I realize that in some ways he may never change, but at the same time, I release him to change in ways I never thought he could... Show me how to communicate in a way that he can clearly perceive what unconditional love is. Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything... Enable him to be the head of the home as You made him to be, and show me how to support and respect him as he rises to that place of leadership. Help me to understand his dreams and see things from his perspective. Reveal to me what he wants and needs and show me potential problems before they arise. Breathe Your life into this marriage... Help me see him with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance. Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me."

I had already read the 1st chapter when Wednesday rolled around last week. So, I recognized the attack from Satan when my day went completely chaotic and everything I set out to do for my husband got ruined. I determined to clean my house and to get showered and dressed and look nice for Jesse. I woke up especially early to shower before picking up my daycare client. I had grand plans to not only pick up everything from the floors, but to wash dishes, complete all of the laundry, mop floors, vacuum, and baby proof. However, by noon (6 hours later), I was sobbing in disappointment and exhaustion with a baby (not my own) who would not stop screaming and would not sleep without me holding her. I sat surrounded by an utter mess and could do nothing about it! My mom saved the day by coming over and helping me with the kids and cleaning the house and holding me while I cried. I didn't get to do everything I wanted, and I was emotionally drained, but it was a big help. I recognized it as Satan then. But I had no idea how much harder it would all hit me on Sunday morning.

I got up at the usual time and began getting ready. When Josiah woke up, I woke Jesse up to help me. He was in the midst of dressing Josiah when he says, "I know you're probably going to be angry, but I don't want to go to church today." I was taken aback, but instantly thought to be slow to speak and slow to get angry. So I asked a few questions and tried to just listen. He went on to say that he just didn't want to go and that he had to make the decision sooner or later. I hope you understand that the danger in this is not because he just didn't feel like going that Sunday. It was because of the precarious position you put yourself in when you make a decision like that. It's because if you decide not to go one Sunday because you don't feel like it, what happens the next time you just don't feel like it. It sets a precedence for future weeks. It gives you a way out, an excuse, for any time you just aren't in the mood. Also, all of the warning signs have been around for years. I know that on a day-to-day basis, Jesse doesn't open his Bible or pray. But I have never really made too big of a deal out of it because I didn't either. I know how easily the busy-ness of life consumes you, and you don't even think about it most days. For over a year, we prayed together every night. But we got out of the habit of it, especially when we quit going to bed at the same time. And, while I thought about it on occasion, most nights it didn't even cross my mind. I knew that when we went to church that the worship is often repetitive and that the sermons are boring, but because I am in the nursery most of the service, it was kinda out of sight, out of mind. And, I think that the biggest reason why I didn't see it as such a big concern up until now is because I still consider God in every part of my life. I still think of Him on a daily basis, and all of my decisions are based on my faith in Him. I still live my life according to my beliefs. I still worship to music in my house, and I still thank God for all of the blessings around me. But Jesse's remarks revealed more of an insight to the state of his relationship with God, which really scared me.

I went on to cry the entire time I prepared for church. And, the last thing he said to me before I drove away with Josiah was that, if anyone asked, I could tell them that Jesse didn't want to go and that they could talk to him about it personally. I began crying all over again. I cried immediately when one of my best friends asked me if I was okay when I got to church. Instead of sitting next to my husband with his arms around me, I sat with my friend and her family on the opposite side of church. When church got over, I went about my day as I usually do, but Jesse wasn't there. By the time I got home, I had a headache from crying so much. I took a nap and then decided when I got up to try to make the best of the evening.

When Monday rolled around, I decided to step up even more in my role as a Godly wife. I was going to post my oath for our marriage and prayers for Jesse around our house, bathing it in God's word and in prayer.

I continued to read my book. In the 2nd chapter, it teaches on praying for your husband's work:

"If the work he is doing is not in line with Your perfect will for his life, reveal it to him. Show him what he should do differently and guide him down the right path... Give him the ability to enjoy his success without striving for more... I pray that You will be Lord over his work, and may he bring You into every aspect of it... Open of doors of opportunity for him that no man can close. Develop his skills so that they grow more valuable with each passing year. Show me what I can do to encourage him."

These are the things I posted on our refrigerator, so far:

  

I've done a really good job at keeping up with the cleanliness of the house and being a good wife for Jesse, but inside this whole situation has been eating me up. Jesse and I have talked for months about attending another church. I really feel called to this specific body, but we both agree that it leaves a lot to be desired. So, we have talked about attending two different churches, to both be fed in more ways and to still be where God wants us (really me) to be. So, with the recent events, I decided to look into other local churches and attend an early service somewhere else and then I could still make it back in time for my church. I actually work at my church in the nursery, both causing me to miss much of the service and giving me a reason why just up and leaving isn't the best solution. Plus, my heart is with those people, but I need to honor my husband and support him when he needs it. So today I looked online for the service times to a church that I thought we would like. I found that it begins at 9 and I could still be at my church by 10:30 (with Jesse having no obligation to attend services at my church). I even have a friend who is going to go with me. But although when I originally mentioned the idea to Jesse he said that he knew it would remove all of his excuses and ability to blame our church for his feelings, now he says he still hasn't decided whether he will even go with me or not. 

I called my mom in tears, telling her that I don't understand how we can be one in our marriage when it's supposed to be under God and he is not walking under God. So, tonight, I decided to ask Jesse straight out about my concerns. It was even harder to hear it all said aloud. He says he still believes in God, but he's fed up with church. He's tired of leaving angry because of people who say that "this" is how you are supposed to live your life and yet "this" hasn't made a difference in his life even though he's attended church at the same place for 12 years; "nothing has changed". I tried pointing out that I was offering him a different church, but he said that he felt a weight lifted off of his shoulders when he was no longer "obligated" to go last Sunday. What scares me the most is the complete lack of concern or acknowledgment about how this will affect his family. I asked him how he's supposed to be the spiritual head of our house if he isn't even following God or working on a relationship with Him. He said he doesn't even know what it means to be the head of our house anymore. 

When it all boils down to it, he is so utterly lost! He feels so frustrated with his job and yet has no idea what he wants to do with his life in order to get out of that job. He is dissatisfied with school. He expected it to fix all of his problems with work and now that he's there, he doesn't know what he wants to do. In truth, he's looking for his identity and satisfaction in everything BUT God. That's why he's coming up short. But he doesn't get it. And, his utter fear of failure keeps him from seeking God any more because he feels like he's never good enough. He's been trying for so long to do it on his own, and when he can't, he chooses to stop trying rather than fail at trying. 

We're not on the brink of divorce, but I do fear that if this were to continue, it could lead to division in our marriage. We've already been through this when we were dating. I do feel like it can just be a phase he is going through, and that Satan may just be attacking us because God is getting ready to do something really big. It's just a heartbreaking place to be right now. My heart hurts for my husband, for my other half, who just doesn't get it! He has all of the answers right in front of him, and he just can't piece them together enough to see that he is in his own way! 

I am going to continue praying for him, week by week addressing every area of his life that I can think of. I'm going to continue posting my prayers around the house and doing my part in being the wife that God has called me to be. I am going to continue seeking God each step along the way. And, I hope that the next time I post, I will have a whole series of answered prayers to tell you guys about. Thank you, in advance, to anyone who takes the time to lift up our marriage and Jesse's relationship with God in prayer.