Challenge Day #10

#10: Something I'm Afraid of...

This post is one that I really don't want to do. It's quite a loaded question for me to answer honestly. And there are many details that I won't share for the sake of our privacy. But here goes: 

There are small things that scare me, like being out in the country or in the woods at night by myself or when I get close to getting in an accident on the highway or when I think of someone who might be hiding in the backseat of my car. But I tend to be a fairly realistic person. I can talk myself out of most fears. I know that those sounds in the woods are animals that are most likely not going to hurt me and that the chances of there being a serial killer running around out there are probably pretty slim. I know that an accident can happen at any time, but that I can't be fearful of it at every moment. Instead, I just need to be cautious and a defensive driver. And that as long as I look in the backseat of my car before just getting in, no one should be popping out from behind there to slit my throat (morbid but true). I am not a very anxious personal by nature. Even the idea of something happening to Josiah or Jesse stirs feelings within me that I hate to even acknowledge, but I know that it's not realistic to dwell in the "what if's". 

Where I do find myself dwelling in fear is when I'm faced with the possibility of losing the relationship I have with Jesse. And I think that the reason why it brings me fear is because I've already lived it before. When Jesse and I began dating nearly 6 years ago, we immediately knew that God brought us together. But the quality of our relationship has always been in direct relation to Jesse's relationship with God. When he is seeking God, I have never felt more loved in my life. He is extremely affectionate and caring, and he puts me before anything else in his life. But when he is struggling with his relationship with God, he doubts everything about his life, including me. When we dated, this meant that he was uncertain if we were supposed to get married or of how much he loved me. We ended up breaking up for a year and a half while he pushed God away and tried as hard as possible to avoid everything he knew was true. When we got back together, he knew that he was essentially asking me to marry him, and with complete devotion, he chose that path. We got married with the idea that divorce is NOT an option. God brought us together and I believe that the only reason why people "fall out of love" is because they quit trying. I used to compare our relationship to everyone else's and I would never want what they had over what we had. But as we've gotten wrapped up in our lives and hobbies and gone through challenges like infertility, pregnancy, a newborn baby, and financial strife, we've experienced a roller coaster of emotions in our relationship with each other. When I chose to never go to bed angry before, I can't tell you how many times I'd rather turn over and cry myself to sleep than to continue the endless argument we were in. While I always believed we were pretty good at communicating with each other, time has caused us to become numb enough to each other's feelings so that we stop talking and just lash out at each other. And when divorce was never an option, I cannot count how many times I've wondered if we were really going to make it in the last year. I suppose my fear boils down to being that Jesse would quit caring enough to even try anymore- that he'd become numb to my feelings and would decide I wasn't worth fighting for anymore. 

Now, I want to make it clear that I've never been one to air our dirty laundry, and it is hard to write this post because I don't want to portray our relationship in a negative way. I am also not blaming Jesse for all of our problems. Of course, I believe he is wrong most of the time or I wouldn't be arguing back with him, but I'm certainly not perfect. I also believe that our fights are handled pretty quickly and that we aren't so different from any other couple. But I've realized in the recent months that no couple is immune to these kind of problems- certainly not us! And, for the first time, my fears that our marriage might not be forever seem more realistic. 

This past week, I faced this fear head-on. I won't share anything more than to say that after Jesse lied to me about something, we had to take some time to determine that things HAVE to change or that we aren't going to make it. He stayed with my brother for a couple of days to clear his head and figure out the reason behind his actions. We set up an appointment with a couple's counselor. And we are going to address some recurring issues which have been consistently put aside. The whole ordeal has been hurtful, scary, and emotional for me. I hated coming home to an empty house knowing that he should've been there. I didn't want to be the kind of couple that had to arrange a time for Jesse to visit his son. I was scared that my biggest fears were coming true. And while I think there are some deep-rooted issues that Jesse needs to process in counseling, I think that the root of my problems begins with this fear of losing Jesse all over again. 

I know that I can't be so certain that we'll live happily ever after. We both want to, but the truth is that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. I don't think that marriage is usually the depiction of God's relationship with us that He designed it to be. Somewhere, we're messing things up. I know that as long as we seek Him first- both of us- then there shouldn't be any reason we aren't celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in the year 2057. And, in complete and humble honesty, if the worst cast scenario comes true and we part ways someday, my deepest fear is less about Jesse and more about being alone and unloved, but the truth is that God will always be there for me. He is my strong tower, my rock when my world is crumbling around me, and my source of unconditional and never-ending love. I pray that I never have to face those fears in their fullness. But I know that with God by my side, I have no reason to fear, for His perfect love casts out all fear.